Showing posts with label Stories. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Stories. Show all posts

Thursday, 3 July 2014

Customer Service


The knife descended slowly, guided by a patient and skilled hand. It was very sharp, with just enough of a serration to make it glide easily through the meat, like a freshly stropped razor through a two day growth of stubble. It touched the surface and then started the cut. It sliced slowly down through the muscle tissue, and, as it sawed around the bone, the blood oozed out of the wound and mixed with the other fluids.
 There was a triumphant grin on the face of the diner as the cube of meat was successfully separated from the sirloin steak on his plate. He speared it with the fork in his left hand, wiped it in the puddle of peppered gravy and lifted it slowly to his mouth. He chewed indulgently to savour the just-cooked, rare flavour – exactly to his liking. There were vegetables on his plate, if you class mushrooms, small and thinly sliced with a heap of fried onion rings, as vegetables. It was Friday and therefore steak was on the menu. It was usually a 10 ounce sirloin, fresh that day from the butcher, carefully selected and cut to his own specification, which the butcher now knew. He was a regular customer for steak on a Friday.
He was a tidy man. He had a menu for the week, each day had its own evening meal. He lived on his own; who would put up with his idiosyncrasies? He enjoyed his food during the week but always looked forward to a steak on a Friday. It was the highlight of his week – unless he ruined it by overcooking, of course. That was liable to spoil his enjoyment of the complete weekend.
He took his empty plate to the sink in the small kitchen, just off the living room in his small flat, meticulously washed the plate, knife and fork and the other cooking utensils. He then rinsed them to get rid of the washing up detergent. He stacked them on the draining board for ten minutes to drain before drying them with a freshly washed cloth and then carefully put away each item in its allotted place. He then dried the draining board with the tea towel and placed it in the washing machine, ready for the weekly wash on Sunday. He rather enjoyed his OCD, it made him good at his job - both of them in fact
Opening up and switching on his lap top, he deleted his e mails, cancelled the old account he had used for the last week and set up his new, pre-arranged account to see if he had any ‘off the books’ work for the weekend. He had one potential contract so he deleted everything, cancelled his new e mail account and shut down the lap top. He knew that spending longer than was necessary on a live account was to risk exposure. He would telephone his agent later from a public telephone, one he had not used before.

*

William was born on a farm in Wales. His Mother was Rhianon; his Father, Gerwhyn. The family name was William so young William was always known as Bill Bill. It wasn’t that funny and it annoyed William immensely so his peers carried on with the joke and it stuck.
It was run as a hill farm, sheep was the only crop apart from a few vegetable sold to the neighbours when the kitchen garden was producing a summer glut. It was on the Cambrian Mountains, near Plynlymon, the source of the Severn.
He did well at maths at school. This was lucky because the farm was not big enough to support him as well as his parents and sister so he had to find a job to bring in some money. He didn’t like being poor, even less being dependent on the hill farming subsidy from the EU so he was determined to find a well-paying job and then work out a way of making a lot of money. He didn’t enjoy working - especially what people called honest work which, as far as William could see, just meant it was hard, sweaty, dirty and didn’t pay much. It didn’t really have much to recommend it as far as William was concerned. There had to be an easier way to make some money, he was determined never to be poor once he grew up. As he was good at maths, he really worked hard at it, always coming top of his class in the numerous tests and exams at the local school which was in the Bethesda Chapel, in the village near the head of the valley. He thought maths might be his ticket out of farming and out of the valley to his rich future.
He was a lonely boy, he only had one real friend, Tegwyn Evans from the next valley. He spent most of his free time either working on his Dad’s farm or studying maths. Tegwyn had a similar distaste for hard work and found sheep farming to be irksome and wanted something easier that brought in more money so he and William were natural allies all the way through school. They schemed about the future but separated at the age of fifteen when they both left school and went their separate ways.
William got his first job in an insurance company in Swansea while Tegwyn found a position as an IT trainee with a company in Birmingham. They inhabited different worlds so never met. William was successful at the insurance company and quickly worked his way through the accounts office and then into the actuarial department where he soon became head actuary by dint of his detailed work with data, his capacity for hard work and his accuracy which had a way of working through to and improving the company’s profits.

*

William had had a hard week. As you would expect of such a fastidious, fussy and neat man, he enjoyed being an actuary. One step up the boredom ladder from an accountant if the urban legends were to be believed, but this wasn’t William’s view of it at all. He enjoyed his job and didn’t find the work boring. He liked inventing spreadsheets, populating them with figures for the ages of death of thousands of people and then interrogating them with ‘what if?’ questions to see what effects various issues had on the age at death.
What age would you expect a man to die if he smoked 33 cigarettes a day, drank a bottle of red wine every day, exercised for 5 hours a week, played no sport and worked as an accountant? Yes, Henry fully expected to die at the age of 63. Some people would find this work tedious and a little morbid, but he loved it. It felt like he had the power of life and death over the people in his spreadsheets while, in fact, all he controlled was the size of the premium they would pay for the life insurance they purchased from his employer and so how much it would make. This assumed, of course that William’s predictions were correct. They had been so far.
William was convinced that all this data had a value to him but he hadn’t found how, yet.  Then he had the glimmer of an idea. He would steal identities and then carry out something else as a different person, he was not sure what yet, but it would probably be illegal, and profitable.
                The spreadsheets gave him access to those people who he predicted would die young. When a young person died who was also a customer of William’s company, he would sometimes find a reason for refusing the pay-out to the grieving relatives – often an exclusion clause in the cleverly written, but unread, small print. He used the company’s letter head to write to the family refusing the pay-out, but then continue to pay the premium so that the company would think that person was still alive. William would then assume that dead person’s identity and use his documents to appear to carry on a normal financial life. He would hire a car under that person’s name and use a forged credit card to pay for fuel and generally assume their identity when necessary to carry out his other, weekend nefarious work.

*

                It was Friday evening. George walked from his flat to a lock-up garage he had rented the previous week in the name of a young man who had just died. William had assumed his name and hired an anonymous - looking car which he had stored for a week in the garage. He had made himself known to the neighbouring garage owners as George Hammit, the name of his deceased customer. He got in and drove off. He drove carefully, within the speed limit, he didn’t want to get pulled over or photographed – the less records there were of him the better. After 32 miles, he stopped at a service area and found a working telephone. He punched in the familiar number. It was answered after four rings by the familiar, ‘yes?’
                ‘273’ responded George, with the code of the day.
                ‘Sunday afternoon. 2 o’clock. Bridge, car accident. Photo. 583 592. £70,000’
‘No problem but price is £100,000, please confirm,’ said George. He hung up, memorised the short instructions and put the OS ref into his sat nav. to see that the site for the planned accident was Stannochy Bridge, just outside Brechin on the B1934. He knew the area well. It was a nice easy job to occupy the weekend – if the customer agreed the price.
                He didn’t know why the target was wanted dead by someone, he wasn’t interested. His job was to make sure it happened and then to be sure he collected his fee. He trusted his agent, they had worked together for more than five years. His fee would be added to the growing pile in his several accounts in Freeport, Grand Bahama – he used different names for each one of course. The total was over £2 million by now, enough to fund his planned retirement in his villa on Andros Island that he had bought some fifteen years before.  This was planned to be his last contract, in spite of his agent’s pleas to continue. George did not want to take his pitcher too often to the well, like Rachel, and end up with a broken pitcher, or even head perhaps.
He liked banks that liked to say ‘yes’ and even better, didn’t like to ask questions. He never spent his fee money, he was careful to live frugally, within his means as a salaried actuary. It was just a job to him but sometimes he woke in the middle of the night and could see all his victims lined up, just looking at him until he woke up in a sweat. He thought he was getting too old for this job. He was getting forgetful and liable to make mistakes. That could be fatal for someone in a trade such as his.
                William was a hit man or, as he preferred to think of himself, a self-employed removal specialist. He moved people from this world to the next, a sort of twin world Pickfords. This was, of course, in complete contrast to his day job and he was the last person anyone would think of being a contract killer. He had none of the underworld characteristics that the general public associated with a hit man, with his precise, somewhat prissy persona and OCD. It wasn’t the sort of job that you replied to an advert in the local paper sent in your CV and then took the job if the interview was successful.
                It had all started with a telephone call one Sunday afternoon.
                ‘Hello.’
                ‘Ring me back in 15 minutes on this number from a public phone, use coins not a credit card and mention no names.’ The line went dead so William replaced the handset and then thought about it, intrigued. He tugged on his jacket and walked down the road to Tesco where he knew there was a public phone. He rang the number. A voice said ‘If I tell you that my dog was called Shep, do you know who this is?’
                ‘Yes,’ said William.
                ‘OK then. Can you meet me this afternoon, in Queen’s park, on the bench by the duck pond?’
                ‘Yes,’
                ‘Four o’clock OK?’
                ‘Yes, but what-‘
‘-I’ll explain everything then.’
William put the phone down and thought a moment. Should he go or not? He walked back to his flat, deep in thought. By the time he got back he knew that he had to go and find out what all this was about. He couldn’t bear the thought of never knowing if he had missed an opportunity, shrouded in mystery as it was.

*

At the agreed time, he approached the appointed bench and at down, joining the figure on the other end of the bench. There was no one else in sight so he thought it was safe to use names.’
                ‘Hello,‘ he said, ‘I haven’t seen or heard from you for more than ten years.’
                ‘Hello, William, you’re looking well. Yes, it must be about ten years and after today, we will never see each other again.’
                ‘What’s all this about then, why all the secrecy?’ asked William.
                ‘Well, I’ve set up a sort of agency and I wondered if you would like to make a lot of money quite quickly? I am sure that job you have is steady and secure but it is never going to make you rich is it?
                ‘Have you been snooping on me?’ asked William.
                ‘Oh yes, I’ve spent a year and a lot of money having you really well checked out. I know, for example that you have set up quite a few false identities for yourself but you haven’t exploited them yet.’
                ‘Oh, now I understand, you want to blackmail me. Is that it? How much do you want?’
                ‘No, no, far from it. I want to help you to make full use of those identities and also make you a very rich man.’
                ‘How?’ asked William.
                ‘I have a lot of contacts so if someone wants someone killed, they eventually come to me and I arrange it. That is why all the secrecy is necessary. We work through cut-outs and never meet each other. All the contact is by telephone, in code on temporary pay- as- you go mobiles and short term e mail addresses.’ He said. ‘Before I go any further, are you interested? If you’re not, we will both forget this meeting ever took place.
                ‘I like the sound of making a lot of money quickly, so go on, what would I have to do?’
                ‘I will send you an e mail from a temporary account to your temporary agreed account and then you will telephone me from a telephone you have never used before and quote the current code number. I will then give you the details of the job and the price. You can then accept or reject the job. If you accept and complete the job successfully, I will then pay your fee into any bank account you specify.’
                ‘What happens if we don’t get any customers?’ asked William.
                ‘That’s where it gets very clever. As I say, I have a lot of contacts so we make up stories and rumours to get two people at each other’s throats until it gets so bad that one guy then goes with a planted suggestion from one of my contacts to take out a contract on the other guy. Then we follow the usual procedure. Please bear in mind that most of the people we kill, society would judge as being better off dead anyway. Not really very nice people, so we are doing society a service – they just don’t know about it. We usually make the deaths look like accidents unless it is to make an example of someone but, of course, that costs extra.’
                ‘I have a question,’ said William.’
                ‘I bet it is “how much do you charge?”’, grinned the agent.
                ‘You’ve got it in one,’ said William
                ‘My fee structure varies with how much work I have do. It will be between 10% and 35%. There is no VAT payable of course…’
                ‘OK, I have heard enough, I’ll give you my answer before next Sunday.’
                ‘Give me call on this number, remember the rules; just give me the code number then yes or no. If it is no, you will never hear from me again. If it is yes, you will never see me again but I will try and get you your first job soon. Good to see you again William.’
                ‘You too.’
They shook hands and left in opposite directions.
William rang the number and accepted the job after two days thinking about it.

*

The radio was perched on top of the rows of pigeon holes, tuned to ‘Farming Today’ with Charlotte Smith. Pat was fascinated by the story about livestock breeding at the Devon County Show. He considered himself something of an expert in all things agricultural even though his garden at the back of his house in Shobrooke was less than a quarter of an acre. Most of his information was garnered from Radio 4 every morning at 6.30.  His practical agricultural experience was limited to growing vegetables.
                Pat O’Brian was in the sorting office at the back of the Post Office in Crediton, sorting out his post deliveries for the day. He had the Crediton number 5 round. Pat had been doing this round for nearly twenty five years so knew all that was going on there and called each of his customers by name and always had time for a chat. He wasn’t the fastest postman in the West but the round suited him, he enjoyed a chat with his customers, who seemed to like him.
                He was very surprised, therefore to see a letter addressed to John Evans at 12 Landscore Gardens. He knew that John had died from lung cancer about five years ago. He would still deliver it but take time to have a comforting chat with John’s Dad, Eric. He didn’t want to take the chance of his mother seeing it first. It might be too upsetting for her. He took care to place the letter on its own so that he wouldn’t miss it out on his round.

*

George had his Friday dinner, steak of course, a couple of hours sleep and then set off in his hired car for the long, overnight drive to Stannochy Bridge. He always was scrupulous in carrying out a recce and researching his target. He found that the bridge was fairly high and crossed the South Esk River. It was built in the 19th century of Devonian Scone sandstone – probably from the nearby quarry. It was also a listed building so hadn’t been kept in very good repair
                He parked the car in the disused quarry, out of sight of passers-by, and walked to the bridge. He carried a rucksack and tucked his trousers in his red socks so that he looked like a hiker. He sized up the bridge and saw that it would be fairly easy to create an ‘accident’ for a driver travelling towards Brechin from the South. A swerve to the left, just before the bridge would be enough to ensure that the car would crash through the badly maintained parapet on the narrowing road and end up in the river. All it needed was for the driver to see an obstacle on the right hand side of the road and then to swerve to avoid it. George knew just the thing to give the impression of an obstacle, he had managed a similar scenario before.

*

Pat rang the bell at 12 Landscore Gardens. Mrs Evans opened the door. Pat was a little taken aback but soon recovered, ‘err, I’ve got a letter that has to signed for by your husband,’ lied Pat. ‘Is Eric in?’
                ‘Just a minute Pat, I’ll get him for you, he’s in the garden.’ She disappeared into the house. After a moment, Eric appeared.
                ‘Can I have a quiet word with you, Eric? I didn’t want to upset your missus, I know she is a little fragile as far as John is concerned. There is a letter here addressed to him so I thought you should see it first in case it is something upsetting.’
                ‘Thanks Pat, that’s very thoughtful of you, I’ll open it out here to see what it is.’
It was from Stephen Moore, Customer Service Manager at the insurance company where George worked.
                ‘I’m not a great fan of theirs,’ grumbled Eric, ‘after them turning down our claim about John, it made things harder than necessary in my view. Now he has the nerve to send us a letter and put John’s name on it instead of mine. Anyway, let’s see what he has to say.’
                ‘That’s why I thought it a little strange and so I made sure you would read it first, before Mrs Evans.’

“Dear Mr Evans
As part of our commitment to improving our customer service, we are writing to our long standing customers to offer a 10% reduction in premium on your Life Insurance.
                We would ask that you contact us to confirm that you are happy to take up this offer and please do not hesitate to ask if there is any way we can be of help to you..
                                Yours sincerely
                                Stephen Moore
Customer Service Manager.

‘But, but we didn’t get anything at all when John died and we cancelled the Direct Debit for the insurance five years ago. They said there was something in the small print that would stop us claiming. We were in such a state at the time that we didn’t query it and just made the best if it. After all, money wouldn’t bring John back to us, would it, Pat?’
                ‘Well no, I suppose not but it is money that is due to you and John would have wanted you to have it. Look upon it as a present from him.’
Eric turned away, with tears in his eyes. ‘Thanks Pat, I’ll talk it over with the missus and we’ll decide what to do. I suppose a letter to Mr Moore wouldn’t be out of place would it?’
                ‘I’ll leave it with you then. Will I see you on Saturday for the carp competition at Shobrook Lake?’ asked Pat
                ‘Wouldn’t miss it,’ said Eric. ‘I’ll see you there, it’s your turn to supply the beer.’
                ‘Yes, I hadn’t forgotten and I see you haven’t either,’ said Pat, angrily, as he winked at his old friend.

*

George drove to Aberdeen airport, where he returned the hire car and got back in his own car for the 2 hour drive to Edinburgh Airport where he parked it in the far corner of the long term car park.
                He sorted out his identity before leaving his car. He chose one of his personas from the twenty or so he had in stock. He was now Malcolm Green, complete with passport and driving licence. He took the flight-approved carry on case from the boot, loaded with clothes to make it feel the right weight and wheeled it off to the departures area of the terminal. He then walked along to the café where he enjoyed a coffee while he waited for the incoming Easy Air flight from Bristol to arrive. When he saw the stream of arriving passenger, he merged with them, pulling his trolley bag along behind him. The Hurtz man behind the car hire desk saw him coming from arrivals and prepared to sort out a car for him.
                ‘Hello, my name is Green, Malcolm Green. I phoned you yesterday about hiring a small car for a couple of days?’
                ‘Yes Mr Green, I have an Escort for you, waiting out on our car park, fuelled up and ready to go.’
                ‘Great,’ said Malcolm. He completed the formalities, accepted the keys and walked out to the car park where he put the bag in the boot and set off.
                He drove home, only stopping in Dundee at an internet café, to print out the photo of his latest target from his current e mail account and checked that his customer had increased the price in accordance with George’s demands. 20% of the increase went to his agent, of course, so George knew he would negotiate well. It is worth a few minutes of arguing to get anything up to £20,000 – tax free.
                He did some research, timed his target’s movements on Sunday and checked the type of car. He would be driving a Skoda Yeti, License number XZ13 6FG. He would reach Stannochy Bridge, driving North at about 9pm – nicely dark and after most of the day’s traffic. The ideal time to carry out a contract.
                He then drove back to his Scottish lock up garage where he busied himself with some plywood, a jigsaw and some white paint and rope, before driving the escort into his garage and securely locking it for the night before walking around the corner to his B & B, ready for the job tomorrow.

*

Colin Read put his head around the door of Stephen Moore’s office and said, ‘you wanted a word. Steve?’
                ‘Yes, come on in Colin, pour yourself a coffee and sit down. Now let me tell you a story. As you know, I started in this job about a year ago and it has been going very well. I have really enjoyed my time here. This was until I started our loyalty programme. This was the idea that life insurance is a long term business and if you play fair with your long standing customers, you will reap the benefits and perhaps pass you on to their children, so you get the next generation of customers.
                I looked into our data base for all those people who had been with us for more than five years and wrote them a letter, offering them a 10% discount on their premiums. Most people wrote back saying they were happy with our service and they would be delighted to accept the discount. Then the unhappy letters started coming back. I received thirty six in total saying that they had expected to be recipients of a policy that paid out when one of their relations had died but that the company refused to pay on the grounds of some detail in the small print.
 I checked back through the policies and found that, according to our records, they were still in force, the insured person was in good health and the premiums were still being paid. This set alarm bells ringing, hence this conversation with you, Colin. Here is a copy of one such letter from Mr and Mrs Evans of Crediton in Devon. We obviously have a communication problem within the company and also seem to be getting a bad name through no fault of ours.’
                ‘I’ve been here as a fraud investigator for fifteen years, Steve, and this is a new one on me. Normally I investigate claims for deaths on policies that have recently been taken out, not someone trying to keep a policy going. The only reason I can think of is to use the dead person’s identity for some criminal purpose. Shall I look into this?’
                ‘Yes, definitely. Why not start with these customers in Crediton and try to find out what is going on?’
                ‘OK, Steve. I’ll have a sniff around and dig up some information.’

*

Malcolm was ready to go by 7 o’clock. He walked round to his garage, loaded the car with the plywood figure – the paint had dried overnight – and set off in the car. He had a moustache stuck on with spirit gum. He was wearing a tweed jacket with a flat cap and he had smeared mud over the car number plates so it would be difficult to identify him. He drove to Stannochy Bridge and parked the car in the same quarry as the day before, behind a stand of ash trees. It was February so it was already dark. He walked the short distance to the bridge and set up the wooden figure just behind the right hand parapet.
The time was 8-30. He waited. He saw a Yeti nearing the bridge. He ducked down behind the parapet. He waited. He pulled sharply on the rope. The driver of the Yeti saw a sheep suddenly appear in his headlights. He swerved to the left to try to avoid the animal. The car smashed through the ancient parapet and careered down the steep slope into the river where it turned over and then stayed still, jammed against a rock by the fast – flowing, peaty water.
                Malcolm collected the wooden sheep and ran down to watch the drowning car. After ten minutes there was no sign of life so he walked over to his car in the quarry, loaded the sheep into the boot and started back the way he had come, towards Edinburgh airport.
                He stopped in a layby after fifty miles and rammed his moustache, cap and tweed jacket into a black plastic sack and pushed it to the bottom of the litter bin. He took the sheep into the wood behind the layby and left it behind a tree.
                He then drove on to the airport, parked the car in the Hurtz car park and dropped the keys into the box after checking the car over for any signs that he had left behind. He pulled his wheeled carry-on over to the long term car park and retrieved his own car for the long drive South.
                He was glad to get back to his flat after a busy, but profitable, weekend.

*

There was a meeting planned in the board room for 1030. Steve was there, with Colin. The Financial and Managing Directors were there to be briefed on the security lapse and the possibility of the company’s good name being dragged through the mud.
                ‘Would you start the briefing please Colin, then we’ll ask questions to fill in the gaps as we go along. Is that OK with you two?’ asked the MD.
                ‘No problem.’ said Steve, as the FD nodded and opened his notebook.
                ‘I visited Mr and Mrs Evans and asked them all about the death of their son, John. They were very open and forthcoming although they were very puzzled as to what had happened. I told them that the company would now pay their claim in full with a 20% bonus as long as they didn’t talk about it to anyone, as the investigation was still ongoing. They are a very honest couple and didn’t want to accept the bonus until I asked them to accept that it was a gift from the company in partial recompense for all the pain they had gone through over the last five years.
                I then talked to the bank who paid the monthly direct debit for the premium. They would not disclose the account holder without a court order but I found out who it was by other means. I don’t think you should know how I did that but it is a Peter Clarke who lives in the Bahamas. I tried to trace him but the trail only led to a ‘brass plate’ bank in Nassau so the trail ended there.
 I then searched the internet for any mention of ‘John Evans’ in the last five years in Crediton, this company and then the UK. There were many John Evans in the UK but it was interesting to see that a John Evans had hired a car from Edinburgh Airport five years ago. I took a trip up there and got a copy of his documents from the guy on the desk. His address was in Dundee. I looked up the address and found that a George McCaig lived there. I then contacted the DVLC in Swansea and got a photo of this guy and, believe it or not, I recognised him. He is our chief actuary, Henry Williams.
I then started digging into the other cases, all 36 of them and found that he has been carrying out the same scam with them. I don’t know why he wants all these identities but I am sure he is up to no good with them.
He has two weeks holiday booked in a month’s time and also has a flight booked to Miami. I can’t find out where he is going after that but I suspect it is the Bahamas – I will find that out in the next couple of days.’         
‘Extraordinary! Who would have thought it of Henry, he is such a boring fellow. I think you have done an excellent job, Colin. Now, what do we think should be done about it?’ Asked the MD.
‘I think we should immediately make payments to the 35 other beneficiaries with a 20% bonus in return for silence. Just the same as the Evans,’ offered the FD. ‘We should then turn the details over to the police to investigate. I think it is too serious to keep it in-house, he obviously has some scam going on with all these identities. Suppose he has killed someone?’ They all laughed at the thought of meek and mild Henry killing anyone.
‘OK, are we all agreed on that? Right, I think you should stop investigating Colin in case Henry gets wind of it. This should stay here in this room and I will deal with the police directly. We must see justice done while protecting the good name of the company.’

*

Inspector Jenkins and Sergeant Smith stood by the departure gate at Heathrow. The flight to Miami had just started boarding. They were waiting for the tip-off from the gate staff when Robert presented his ticket and boarding card, just in case they didn’t recognise him.
Harry Roberts strode up, quite unsuspecting. The Inspector took him by the arm and said the usual words, ‘I am arresting you, Henry Williams, in connection with fraud. You do not have to….’
Harry said nothing as Sergeant Smith clipped on the handcuffs in front of the disbelieving other passengers.

*

Harry had packed just enough clothes to look as if he was going on holiday, not leaving the country for good. His flat was left to give the same impression. Even his lap top was left behind but when the police got a warrant to search the place and confiscate his computer, they found nothing. Harry had taken the precaution of replacing his hard drive with a new one and deleted the data on the old one with a hammer. It was the only type of deletion he really trusted. He rang his agent to tell him of the successful conclusion to the job and wished Tegwyn a final ‘Good-bye.’
When the interview started, the police had no real evidence of fraud, just that William / George / Henry  / had stopped the pay-outs to 36 customers and had taken over the responsibility of the direct debits. They tried to get out of Henry the reason he had done this but he kept schtum. His lawyer summed up by saying, ‘you have no information that my client committed fraud. In fact he saved the company many large pay-outs and continued to pay the direct debits. It seems to me that Henry saved the company several million pounds and cost them nothing. I think he is free to go, unless you have evidence that shows my client has committed any offence? The only offence that I can see he committed was to be too diligent in his job, he didn’t like paying out the capital.’
‘Err, well, I suppose so,’ said the inspector.
‘In that case, I expect the police to reimburse my client for the cost of the flights that he missed because of the arrest,’ said Peter Mason. ‘Goodbye.’

*

William sat back in his seat in the first class cabin of the Airbus A380 and ruminated on the events of the last five years. He had a total of over $3 million in various bank accounts and he would spend the rest of his life on Andros Island, in his villa, surrounded by clear blue seas, gently lapping on long sandy beaches. Just the occasional 10 minute flight to Nassau when he wanted a change or a visit to one of his banks.
He regretted the 36 lives that had enabled all of this but he thought he could live with the occasional nightmare, after all, no one had ever complained about the customer service he provided. It was better than herding sheep after all.
‘Not bad for an actuary,’ he thought as he sipped his complementary glass of chilled Sancerre, after a lunch of sirloin steak.
‘It’s not even Friday,’ he silently gloated to himself


Sunday, 20 October 2013

Ghost word - 1

Ghost word - 1

You might laugh me out of the text but I think is is etymological discrimination. Just you check and see how many times little words like ‘the’ and ‘and’ get used compared to me. I understand the argument about conjunctions and articles being used a lot because they are essential to the smooth running of the prose but what about real meaning? Now there is something that is vital to any exposition, have you seen what Elmore Leonard used to do to his novels? I never rated them myself and I think some of the readers who raved about them could be described as me; I mean, he never really even describes his characters properly and leaves out the bits that readers would skip anyway. That’s no good, novels are supposed to be hard work aren’t they?
      I think my basic problem is that I was born as an adjective. Now, what is the essence of adjective. What is its function?  The humans always boast ‘I think therefore I am’. The most an adjective can say is that ‘I describe therefore I am’. This means that my existence depends on someone using me to describe something or someone else. I have no independent existence, I always have to depend on a noun being available that I can apply myself to.
      Don’t get me started on nouns. Do you know how arrogant they are? ‘I am therefore I am’, they always say, relishing their independent existence. And as for gerunds, they are even worse, seeing themselves as upmarket nouns, ‘we can do the job of both nouns and verbs,’ they boast, ‘I am and do therefore I am.’ Snobs, all of them.
      Yes, I’m afraid I suffer from the adjective’s perennial problem, low esteem. I have been been to see my Thesaurus, Dr Roget,  but she wasn’t much help. ‘You should just accept your place in the lexicon and be happy with that,’ she said. ‘you have had a good life, I know you were in the Army, the Paras wasn’t it? That gave a you a chance to travel and I believe Jonathan Swift wrote all about your adventures around the world.’
      ‘Yes, but even he spelt my name wrong. You’d think a man of the church would go to the trouble of getting that right wouldn’t you? I think the main cause of my problem is that I am still the only word that has been left out of an edition of the OED by mistake. They made sure I was back in the next edition but how do you think that makes me feel? What do you think I should do?
      ‘ My suggestion is this. Accept your place in the order of things and your characteristics that you cannot change. You will always be an adjective for example and there is nothing wrong with that. Where would we be without the valuable work that you and your colleagues do? The world would be a very simple and plain place. I suggest that you go back to your home in the OED and make friends with your neighbours. The one before you, ‘the passage by which food passes from the mouth to the stomach,’ sounds like he may have some interesting stories and the one after you,’a ravine or channel formed by running water’ may have some stories of far-off places that you both have visited?’
      ‘OK, I’ll try that. Thank you doctor.’
      ‘No problem, always glad to help. If you have any more problems, you can always come and look me up.’
I walked out through the waiting room and saw an old friend of mine, Hanna Rayburn,  sitting in the corner.
      ‘What are you doing here?’ I asked
      ‘I’ve been coming here for some time, to see Dr Roget, she is treating me for my problem.’
      ‘What problem is that?’ I asked, a little indelicately.
      ‘I get frightened by old fashioned cookers in big, open plan kitchens, ‘ she said, ‘ the doctor thinks I am suffering from agarophobia.’
      ‘Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. I had better let you get on with your therapy then, I can see you have a lot on your plates.’
      ‘Yes, I’m cooking dinner tonight.’
She knocked on the door and walked in the doctor’s treatment room. I didn’t believe a word of it. Who did she think I was? I’m not a backward Evian. I’ve been around a bit.
      I did as Dr Roget suggested and made my home in the ‘G’ section of the OED. I was getting well settled in when, one day, there was a lot of noise from just overleaf, on the next page. I looked it up and found it was gunfire, ‘the repeated firing of a gun or guns’ so I looked across to the opposite page and talked to my guardian, ‘a person who defends and protects something’. Yes, I know he is one of those nouns, but he agreed to look after me. I think he was feeling quite proud to be asked, even if it was only by a lowly adjective. He was really a guerrilla guardian from Guatemala who was quite fond of alliteration so we bonded well as we went fishing for gudgeon together.
      That’s what he told me and I, of course, believed him. That is what I do.

*

I heard on the grapevine, ‘the spreading of information through talk or rumour’, that some of the subjects and predicates of sentences had been getting together to form independent clauses. This was, of course, not allowed by the Great Samuel J., but it seems they crept past Maurice Waite and Sara Hawker, of the OED, unseen. The next I heard was that they had been chatting up verbs, and even some gerunds, to try to make sentences. They were really getting above themselves.
      I decided that something had to be done. I got together with a few of my friends, well neighbours really, and we formed The G Force or Grammarians. The founding members were; myself of course as GB (Gully Bull ) with Guardian, Gully and Gullet closely behind in the Guerilla Army. Our motto was ‘G today, then onwards through A to Z’. ( It’s alliterative if you say it properly, with an American accent )
      We decided to set a test case so we reported a couple of dodgy clauses to the Lexicon Police.( Leptons for short, hadrons for long or Higgs for very short ). They investigated and passed the file to the DPP ( Department of Publishing and Philandering). They decided that there was a case to answer so a date was set for a trial in front of a Judge. ( after all, what was the point in holding it behind his back? ). The public prosecutor was An Urine Bevin who was reluctantly brought back from  the dead after the requisite affydavid was signed by the Judge. He was the only literate on the centre court on that day, all the rest were away playing tennis, or some similar racket, on the Net.
      We had appointed a leading QC, called Quentin Carrville, to lead the defence’s case so we just had an ordinary barrista, called Jen Dobrie,  for the coffee, from Gdansk.
On the appointed day everyone turned up in court and the Clerk pounded his Gavel and said, ‘All be upstanding, the ‘orrible Judge Dreadlock presiding.’ The clerk had a way with words but it wasn’t anyone else’s way so there was plenty of scope for misunderstanding. Luckily we were moving on to ‘H’ words next. The judge calmly combed his hair and asked if everyone was there. ‘Is everyone here?’ No one answered.
      ‘Well, that’s ok then, everyone’s here,’ he said, ‘on with the trial,’ “Just like the Red Queen,” said Lewis, as an aside to Llewellyn as the judge tried to bang his gravel. It sounded rather gravelly so I investigated where the extra ‘r’ had come from. It transpired that it was from Farther Christmas, some misspelling in a letter to the North Pole no doubt. I removed it so that the judge could bang on properly.
      As I said to the Grammerians, ‘if we can’t even get a ‘G’ word right, how are we going to manage with the other twenty seven letters?’ That was a rhetorical question so there was no answer. We had no plans to do the ‘R’ words for many a year, so no one understood what I meant, so they still didn’t answer. A case of two unknowns ending up with the right answer.
      The judge asked for the accursed, ( sorry, ‘the accused, that pesky extra ‘r’ again ) Mr S Clause, to enter the dock, alongside the Maersk St David, the biggest container ship in Wales. It was too big for the Suez canal, the Panama canal, with the new extension and even for the Manchester ship canal so it normally berthed at Pembroke Dock – minding the draft of course. Because of this, it was called a Man’ size container ship. He floated in on the tide and pleaded to be set free. ‘No,’ said the judge, ‘wrong answer. Guilty or not guilty are the only two possible answers. Otherwise you’re sunk.’
      ‘Not guilty then’, said Santa Clause. ‘I did never, not do it, wot I wos accursed of.’
      ‘Enter a Not Guilty plea please Mr  De Klerk,’ said the judge, in spite of the apartheid.
It was getting late by this time. All were assembled, the Gury had been sworn in – I had managed to change the Jury to Gury so that they were in the ‘G’ section with me and so more likely to believe whatever tall story they were told by the accused. Luckily the Gudge hadn’t noticed as both Gudge, Gury were ‘G’ words and so had been checked out by the grammerians. It was now lunchtime so the Gudge asked Jen Dobrie to produce the coffee for everyone. She banged the dripper on the edge and saw the grounds for dismissal drop into the tray. The Gudge also asked if there was a Friar in court as he was very partial to his chips.
      Friar Tuck trudged in, pulling his handcart. ‘Can’t you leave your cart outside?’ said the Judge, ‘It smells a bit ripe in here.’
      ‘That’s Robin, I’m afraid,’ said the Friar. ‘He’s been dead a while and he gets a bit whiffy now and again.’
      ‘Yes, I can tell, but why?
      ‘Well, it was like this see, Judge,’ said the eponymous Friar. ‘I was attending to Robin, one of our most famous hoodies, who was feeling quite poorly at the time and he was contemplating his demise like. I was in attendance.’
      ‘Do you mean he was thinking about his death?’ asked the Judge politely.
      ‘You’re right there Guv, you ain’t a bad a Judge. He came up with that old trick of shooting an arrow up in the sky.’
      ‘What for?’ asked the Judge.
      He said. ‘ Wherever this arrow lands within the boundary of Nottingham Wildwood, let my mortal remains be buried there.’
      ‘What has that to do with your smelly cart?’ asked the Judge quite reasonably.
      ‘Well the arrow rose up in the air, turned around and descended. It landed on my cart, unfortunately. I had to keep my promise to Robin of course, being a Holy Man and all that. So I ‘as to cart his body around like. Most inconvenient, the weight of course, apart from  the smell.’
      ‘So, given all that, can you still make us up some French Fries?’
      ‘Yes, no problem except that they will have to be chips. I don’t hold with that French rubbish after Agincourt, the field of the cloth of gold and all that other stuff that Henry made up.’ said Friar McDonald, getting out his chip pan, wood chips and  filling up his barbie with waste diesel oil.
      I didn’t believe his name, who is really called ‘Friar McDonald Tuck?  I looked it up at Dr Roget’s’. ‘A wily owner of a chippy who masquerades as a Holy Man. Known to have a high BMI and is a good friend of Robin Hood.’
      Well that settled that, he was whom he appeared to be. His Carte may not be very Blanche but he was the real deal, or Happy Meal as he was sometimes known.
      We all settled down to eat our chips, with some highly suspect red sauce, and finished our meal off with an excellent cup of coffee from Gdansk. ‘Dziękuję,’ said Dzień Dobry politely, as we passed the cups back.
      ‘The court is now in session,’ said the Judge as he banged his gavel on the newly formica’d bench. ‘ Call the first witless, sorry, witness.’
      ‘Call Samuel Johnson, call Samuel Johnson, call Samuel Johnson,’ the call echoed around the corridors of power until it woke up he good Dr who was sleeping off a rather large lunch on a bench in one of the waiting rooms. He pulled himself together and walked into the court and stepped up to the witness box.
      ‘Do you, Dr Samuel Johnson, swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth’? recited Mr de Klerk.
      ‘Not likely, would you?’ Answered the good Dr..
      ‘Err, well, no, of course not,’ said the clerk.
      ‘Well, don’t ask me then, OK?’ said Sam.
      ‘Let’s get on with it,’ said the judge irritably, who was a little dyspeptic. ‘ Your witness Mr Bevin.’
      An Urine heaved himself to his feet and addressed his notes, he had forgotten to do it over lunch.
      ‘You are, I believe Doctor S Johnson who is an acknowledged expert on Lithology. Is that so?’
      ‘Yes.’
      ‘Have you heard of clauses getting together asking nouns, and sometimes Gerunds, if they would like to make a sentence?
      ‘No’
      ‘What do you mean, No?’
      ‘What do you think I mean? I don’t know what a clause, noun or gerund is, do I?’
      ‘But, but, you are a world renowned Lithologist are you not?’
      ‘Yes.’
      ‘Is not Lithology the study of words and grammar?’
      ‘No, it is the study of rocks and minerals. Things like granite, clay and limestone. I can witter on for hours about them if you wish, just like any geologist.’
      ‘That will not be necessary Doctor, thank you,’ said the perspiring An Urine, as he sat down.
      ‘No questions, your honour.’ Said the defence QC, quickly. He didn’t want to hear about rocks, just like any normal person.
      ‘I call Mr Callum McDillon,’ said the worried An Urine.
      The call went out and echoed around the halls as before but it gets too boring to write it down each time so please assume it happened, thank you.
      ‘Are you the standard feckless Irishman?’ asked An Urine
      ‘Yes, I am sir. I was taught to stop swearing by my Ma in Law a couple of years ago.
      ‘Do you…’
      ‘Not likely, that Dr Sam got away with it so I don’t see why I should have to.’
      ‘Objection.’ Said the Judge. ‘I’m bored, can we move on please.
      ‘Very good, my Lord. And what do you know about the clauses having a conspiracy?’
      ‘I heard that they were getting above themselves and promoting themselves as sentences.’
      ‘Thank you Mr McDillon. Your witness.
Mr Quentin Carrville stood up to his full height, adjusted his wig and fixed the Feckless Irishman with a stare that would easily have turned a statue from stone into wiggly snakes. ‘Tell me, Mr McDillon, or may I call you Callum?’
      ‘Yes, Callum is OK.’
      ‘Tell me Callum, are you really a Feckless Irishman or are you just one of those witlesses we heard the Judge describe earlier?’
      ‘To be sure, I certainly am one of those fecking, feckless witnesses, soir.’
      ‘Thank you Callum, I’ll take that as a ‘no’, then shall I?’
      ‘I think so.’
      ‘You may be excused, Mr McDillon. Case proven,’ said the Judge. ‘Let’s all go down to the caff on the corner and get some decent chips,  begging your pardon, Friar. After I have summed up of course.’
      ‘I find the defendant guilty on all counts of trying to be a sentence. I shall now hand you down a sentence; from the tall wardrobe. It will be a custodial sentence. I sentence you, Mr S Clause to serve 43 years in custody with the Tooth Fairy and The Easter bunny until the 24th December this year. Chips away.’
This meant, of course that Father Christmas only had Jen’s coffee left overs to rely on for a retrial.
     
     
 This piece has been part - published in WordBohemia.
www.WordBohemia .co.uk    






Tuesday, 10 September 2013

The meeting

The meeting

Colin climbed slowly up the beautiful white Portland stone steps and manoevered himself through the mahogany revolving door, taking care not to touch the immaculately polished brass finger plates. He debarked from the door system onto the polished, pattened Carrera marble floor with two symetrical columns rising majestically to support the vaulted roof. He tried to work out if they were Doric, Ionic or Corinthian. He pictured himself back at school in Miss Atabelia’s classics class where he had been faced with the same question,  ‘Ionic has the most scrolls, Doric is the plainest and Corinthian is the fancy one,’ he thought he remembered. Colin stopped in the middle of the floor and looked around him at the richness of his surroundings. ‘Was it all designed to impress or intimidate?’ he wondered. It seemed to work as he was feeling both.
      His first words to the receptionist behind the modern glass desk were, ‘Lovely pair of Dorics you’ve got there Miss.’
      ‘What? How dare you say things like that to me.’ said the outraged  receptionist, Judy Tench, according to her name plate set on the desk in front of her.’I’ll report you for a health and safety violation, you should be wearing a Hi Vis jacket like every one else in the country.’
      ‘I’m sorry,’ said a flustered Colin. ‘Are they Ionic then, I get confused as to which has the most scrolls?’
      ‘Mr Hadnib, can you please come over here.’
The heavyset security guy in a smart, but ill fitting three piece suite, marched over to the reception desk, his gleaming black boots squeaking – he was clearly not used to walking sofa. ‘What seems to be the problem Miss Tench? Is this man bothering you? Shall I ask him to leave?’ he suggested with a joyful glint in his eye, hinting that he would perhaps enjoy the process a little too much as it would probably include a little less asking and a little more physical persuasion.
      ‘No thank you Mr Hadnib, I just need to find out what he is doing here.’
      ‘Wot are you doing here, mate? Miss Tench needs to know’, asked Iqbal, with a firm grasp of Colin’s left elbow
      ‘I’m here to meet with the governor and the rest of the MPC, err that’s the Monetary Policy Committee.’
      ‘Yerst, we know what MPC stands for. We’re not stupid are we Miss Tench? Why do you want to see that lot then, wot’s your business with them?’
      ‘Well, I err, I’m the new economist on the committee and I’m here for my first meeting with them.’
      ‘Name?’ asked Judy stiffly.
      ‘Err, well it’s Colin Tudge actually.’
      ‘Why have you got three names?'
      ‘What do you mean?’
      Well, Colin Tudge-Actually, that’s a very posh name isn’t it?
      ‘No it’s Colin Tudge really.’
      ‘Well make up your mind, which is it?’
      ‘Eh?’
      ‘Oh never mind, I’ll call the governor’s secretary and let him know that you’re here.’
      ‘Err, OK, thank you. What did you used to do for a living before you came here to work at the Bank of England, Iqbal?’ asked Colin, always eager to make new friends.
      ‘I was a screwdriver.’
      ‘A what?’
      ‘I was a chauffer for the govenor of Wormwood Scrubs.’
      ‘Oh, and before that?’
      ’I was a drug dealer.’
      ‘Heroin, cocaine, that type of thing?’
      ‘Nah. I used to work in Boots, selling aspirin, paracetamol and benacol. Then I got promoted to the perfume counter. I really liked Lulu, I had a real obsession about that one. I was always sniffing so I got sacked.
After that I got a summer job as a lifeguard at the gene pool.’
      ‘You may go up now Mr Tudge and please leave my dorics off the agenda in the future.’
      ‘Err, ok then, thank you Judy. Which meeting room are we in?’
      ‘It’s the Schrődinger room, its locked and open. I know it’s there somewhere but I never can find it.’
      ‘Huh?’
     
*

‘Good morning ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to the MPC meeting and a special welcome to young Colin here and myself, haw, haw. It is our first meeting and I am sure you will all make us both feel at home. I have a list here and I see that Brian Sledge is missing, where is he?’
      ‘Eh, I’m afraid he called an hour ago and said he would be a little late,’ said James Threadneedle, the governor’s secretary, from his support seat behind the governor’s right elbow.
      ‘That’s not good enough, I thought you Brits were tougher than that. Didn’t Churchill say, “ask not what your country can do for you but what can you do for your country?”’
      ‘Err, no, that was Jack Kennedy.’
      ‘Who’s he? Never heard of him. Well, let’s get on with the meeting, Brian can join us when he decides to get out of bed. “This is not the time for sound bites but I feel the hand of history on my shoulder”, as Nixon said a few years ago.’
      ‘No that was Tony… err never mind.’

      ‘Oh, hi, come on in. You must be Brian. What happened to you?’
      ‘I’m so, so sorry Guv but I was walking down Oxford Street with a friend of mine – his name is Henry and he walks very fast and… well, never mind all that. The point is that Henry was hit by a rental car that ran over one of his legs and broke it in two places. By the time I called an ambulance and got him sorted out I lost quite a bit of time and so that is why I am late. Sorry again.’
      ‘Waal, that sounds like a good enough excuse to me but don’t let it happen again. Was Henry in much pain from his broken leg?’
      ‘Yes, I think so. I asked him that and he said “Yes, it Hertz.”’
      ‘I surely hope he gets better soon.’
      ‘Thanks guv.’
      ‘Call me Bruce, please.’
      ‘OK, Bruce Please.’
      ‘Is that the famous Limy sense of humour.’
      ‘Err no, I thought that was your name.’
      ‘If you call me that, I’ll call you Brian Sledge-Late and hope you don’t do a runner. Haw, haw, “runner”, geddit? I said “runner” because your name is Sledge and sledges have… oh never mind.’

*

‘Right let’s get down to business. I don’t know what your approach to all this fiscal and monetary stuff is but I never can tell the difference. “We’ll fight them on the bleachers, we will fight them on the baseball grounds, we will never surrender,” as M.L. King once said as he gave Roosevelt a high six.’
      ‘I think you’ll find it was Churchill who almost sai…oh never mind.’
      ‘I need some ideas on what we need to do to get your economy out of the deep, doo, doo it’s in. You can start Colin. What would you do to clear the doo doo?’
      ‘Well, err, um, I’d start by…/
      ‘Sorry to interrupt, Colin, just as you were going to share your brilliant idea with us. What about some coffee to make sure we are all awake and on top form? Is there a lawyer in our little group here?’
      ‘Err, well, yes, I’m a barrister.’
      ‘And who are you?’
      ‘Rupert Tristram Smythe actually.’
      ‘And why have you got four names Rupert? Oh, I forgot, we’ve done all that haven’t we? Well Rupert, would you like to serve the coffee please?’
      ‘Well, ok then, but why did you choose me?’
      ‘You’re a barrista ain’t yu? You just said so. Is there a law against lawyers working for a living? Haw, haw. You could call it your pro boneo job for the day – like taking a dog for a walk.’
Rupert served the coffee, he didn’t think an explanation would help. He didn’t have a dog anyway.
      ‘Back to you then Colin, we are all prepared to be amazed.’
      ‘The first thing I would do is to print some money.’
      ‘Oooh Kaaay… how much would you print?’
      ‘I’d print enough to give every citizen in the country on the electoral roll £2,000.’
      ‘Whoah there yogi bear, what about giving some to the banks?’
      ‘No point. They would just pay it out in bonuses and it would be spent on foreign holidays and luxury goods made overseas. I suggest we give out the cash in voucher form that has to be spent within three months on goods manufactured in the UK. That is a boost  to the economy of about £90 billion. It would also have the advantage that all the money goes straight into people’s pockets and improves the feel good factor so people will go on the spend some of their own money.’
      ‘I can see where you’re coming from Colin but it ain’t gonna happen ‘cos it jest won’t work.’
      ‘Why’s that?’
      ‘Come on Colin, work it out for yourself, you can’t just give money away.’
      ‘But we’ve been giving money to the banks for the last three years, ever since we started QE.’
      ‘Yes, but that’s different Col, baby. “I have a dream that one day all bankers will be rich beyond their wildest dreams.” Your Tony Blare said that y’know. It was in his ’63 speech about the British revolution being forged in the white heat of technology.’
      ‘I thought it was Martin Luther Wilson?’
      ‘No, he was in Pirates of the Caribbean, playing Johny Depposit I think?’
      ‘Right Rupert, why don’t you tell us about the interest rate? What is it at the moment?’
      ‘A recent youguv poll put it at 34%.
      ‘Isn’t that a little high? I only get 1.3% from my building society account.’
      ‘Well, if you consider that 61% are not interested and 5% don’t know, it starts to make sense.’
      ‘Maybe to you Rupert, but not to me.”Many are cold but few are frozen” not sure who said that, but it’s in the KJV so it must be gospel.’
      ‘Can I ask how you got this job Bruce? If you don’t mind my saying so, you don’t seem like a typical governor of the BoE.’
      ‘That’s because I ain’t, young Rupert Tristram. I was working in this circus in Montreal see, when I was made redundant. I had trained the lions so well that they knew what to do, so I was out of the door – well flap actually. I needed a job so I rang my old mate Ozzy and he suggested I come over for a gig in the good old U of K. So here I am. Ozzy said that he had checked with the chancellor and she was happy so I got the job.’
      ‘Err, I’m afraid that was me. Ozzy is an old friend of mine so I just agreed with him. I’m Anne Chancellor by the way Bruce.’

*

The telephone by James’ hand chirruped gently.
      ‘Hello James speaking, how may I help?’
      ‘Isn’t he a lovely speaker?’ said Bruce.
      ‘Err, this is Judy here on reception. I have an angry looking guy here called Marvin Carney who says he is the new govenor of the Bank of England. What shall I do?’
      ‘Tell him I’ll be down to meet him directly, Judy. Bruce, you need to leave, the real govenor is here.’
      ‘Okay, I guess I had best shoot through then. Nice to chat with you guys. “I shall return,” as Ghandi once said.’

          ‘When you said about Ozzy, I assumed you meant George Osborne, and it wasn’t Ghandi, it was Arni Schwartzengaga or General Douglas MacArthur,’ protested Colin.

      ‘Never heard of them, but you know what ‘assume’ does don’t you Colin? “Makes an Ass of U and Me.”’ I think Henry Kissinger said that first, or was it Maslow?
      I must get a shift on as I’ve got a gig at the Hackney Empire tonight and need to check if Ozzy has ordered enough lions. That’s the mane thing. “Mane”, “Lion” geddit? Haw, haw. Just remember you guys, “Omnia mutanur, nihil interit  ("everything changes, nothing perishes"), Ovid wrote that in his Metamorphoses. Check it out if’n you don’t believe me.’
      Bruce marched off, stage left, right, left, right, out of the quantum meeting room, tucking the cat under his arm.