Showing posts with label K Challenge. Show all posts
Showing posts with label K Challenge. Show all posts

Saturday, 13 December 2014

Alice



I was surprised when my promotion came through as I had been Princess of Shovels for so long that I had got comfortable in the role, used to shopping in Sainsburys etc. That is not to say I wasn’t grateful, my elevation to the aristocracy years before had been more of a jump. It suited me very well. Coming from the superior Spades family I was used to being treated well, even though I did do most of my shopping in Aldi. It took me a long time to shuffle up through the suit from number two.
It took me some time to settle in to my new role. I was now Queen of Spades, not the top of the suit, that belonged to Ace of course, but I was well on the way. I think the main thing that took me a while to get used to was shopping in Waitrose. It wasn’t just the general obsequiousness of the staff or even the ridiculous prices, it was mainly the other customers - what a stuck up pack! All picture cards and the occasional Ace. I quite fancy some of the Aces but that is another story - do you really think I am a bungalow?
Anyway, as I had nearly filled my twee little trolley with gazpacho, halloumi, Italian black olives, smoked salmon, freshly baked Focaccia, Manuka honey and few other essentials, I headed for the checkout, looking very smart in his apron printed with black and white squares. It must have been cold sitting there among all those draughts and he looked a little board.
He beeped all my shopping before packing it into my trendy hessian recyclable shopping bag and I handed over my card. By some strange coincidence it was the Queen of Clubs, one of the lower suits but I am broad minded, I’ll talk to anyone. There was to be no cashback for me today. We now had a pear, avocado of course, so I took the complimentary partridge from the tree, collected my little green tokens and dropped them in the box for the undeserving poor - one of my favourite charities.
The automatic doors chuffed back at me as I walked out into the street, they must have got them second-hand from Captain Kirk - very enterprising.
The game had been set for that afternoon, poets and peasants alliteration at the Peardrop, so the pear of us hopped aboard a chicken and chooked on our way. It wasn’t far, just a couple of furlongs up the hill past the Strangled Ferret. We passed two fur shorts on the way, probably German. We decided to pay by the perch as the rod and pole were both busy and the chicken was happier with the perch anyway because it was quite a jolly fish. She carped on quite a lot about some of the salmon rods  but, strangely enough, she never mentioned the Poles during the ride. She had a lot to say about the Latvians though - typical cabbie gossip. I made small talk with the other Queen, well, one has to make an effort with one’s social inferiors doesn’t one? She had been a Queen for a long time, passed over by now probably, so she was well used to playing the game. I picked up some good tips from her without letting her know that I hadn’t played before.
I chose my cue carefully as it doesn’t pay to get there too early. We did the usual test to see who would break, it was the other Queen of course, she had more experience. She potted a Spot with the break so I helped her out of the pool and then repaired the break. It was a Gloucester Old one so I had the choice of the piglets. I picked up a couple because we were having bacon and egg for supper. I had only decided this on the ride up the hill. Luckily the chicken decided to cooperate. She would probably dine out on that story for donkey’s years. ‘I laid an egg for the Queen of Spades,’ making a right ass of herself, as no one then believed her. Have you ever seen an ass lay an egg?
I managed to get the piglets in the Waitrose bag and got a lift from the donkey back to the castle. I had tried to get some ham from the Gloucester Old Spot but she wasn’t committed enough to contribute to our meal so I had to make do with smoked salmon sausages. The piglets were feeling a little cold by now so I wrapped them in a duvet as a substitute for pigs in blankets and put them in the oven to keep warm; on the top shelf; on Gas Mark 7. What did I do with the donkey? I got very annoyed as it started to ‘Eee Aaw’ very loudly so I went to the local church at Brambletye to see the Vicar of Bray, who lived in Lewisham. He suggested that I paint its fur so that it looked like a zebra and then hide it on a crossing. This didn’t work as I got the stripes the wrong way round and so the donkey stood out on the crossing, looking like a draughts board. Luckily a woman from Waitrose’s Human Resource department was passing at the time and offered it a job on the checkout. ‘Well, I suppose that will have to do till I can get a proper job,’ sighed the donkey.
‘Ungrateful creature, it ill behooved him to complain after all I had done for him,’ I thought.
I checked on the piglets to see if they were warm enough. They were now crackling nicely so I stuffed an apple in each of their mouths ready for the table. The cat was by now looking interested and stared at me. ‘A cat may look at a king,’ I said, ‘but I am a queen so you may not look at me.’ The cat smiled and slowly faded away to Aintree, leaving its smile behind.
I left the kitchen and climbed the stairs to the castle’s parapets, which were kept on the roof. There were several dogs, tortoises and goldfish up there. It was very unusual to have so many disabled animals to care for but I suppose if you are a dog, a tortoise or a goldfish and fall off a castle, there is a good chance that you will get injured. One poor tortoise, ‘Falling George’, took so long to climb all the stone steps back up again that, as soon as he got there, it was time for him to fall off again. Because of all his injuries, he took to drink and now has the hare of the dog each morning after his porridge. The dog wasn’t too keen as he was going bald but George was usually too quick for him and if he didn’t quite make it, the hare would pluck one for him. All the animals seemed ok, except for George so I headed for the counting house where my husband, the King, had the spreadsheets open on his iMac. As usual, he ignored me at first, engrossed in his calculations. 
‘Did you have a good day, dear?’ I asked
‘Not three bad,’ he said, but I’m having trouble thinking because I’m hungry. ‘ I hope you’re making a blackbird pie for my supper tonight.’
‘I couldn't get any blackbirds in Waitrose and I couldn’t go into that common Sainsburys now, so I got two dozen frozen robins instead. I know Sainsburys have their uses now, not just for keeping the scum out of Waitrose.’
‘I don’t know, what is the world coming to? Did you complain in Waitrose?
‘Yes, I saw the manager and they are flying 144 blackbirds in next week.’
‘Good, but that will be too many for us, gross incompetence if you ask me,’
‘Yes, dear,’ I murmured placatorily as I backed out and fled to the parlour where I knew my Focaccia and Manuka were waiting for me.
I never did get to the parlour to eat my bread and honey as a blackbird in the garden had pecked off the maid’s nose. Luckily I found a jenny wren to put it back on again.
Then there was a knock on the portcullis, it was the queen of clubs wondering if I would like a game of golf. I could think of no excuse but I clearly didn’t want one of the lower order suits as a friend, even if she was a queen-I had plans. I put her off by saying that I had to think of a new way of making a pie for my husbands supper as I had run out of blackbirds and only had robins. She was a little upset and thought she had been dealt as part of a bad hand as she had gone to the trouble of carrying two full suits of clubs up the hill and she was a now a little red faced - a royal flush.
I quickly pulled up the drawbridge, crayoned it brown, bid three hearts and went to see the children, Prince and Princess Trowel. I could never remember their names, in fact, only the maid nose them… er that was until that dastardly blackbird did it’s evil work. Now I will have to call them ‘U’ and ‘U2’. They were the two princes in the tower, except that one was a princess.
I was now very pressed for time as I had to be in the Faery Forest during the afternoon. It was where I played out my Lady Bountiful role by volunteering for the Tree Watch foundation. We had found that, if no one was in the forest, then no trees fell and so it soon got badly overgrown. We had had notice of several incipient tree protofalls but, of course, nothing would happen unless someone was there. I had already asked my groom to saddle my horse for me. I had asked, and got, a horse for my last birthday by sighing to my husband, ‘ a horse, a horse, my queendom for a horse.’ He gave in and got me one, only 14 hands of course, he didn’t want me getting on my high horse, as the tree branches would knock me off. When my horse, Rover, saw me coming, he croaked at me in greeting. He had a sore throat and was a little horse - remember, 14 hands, huh?
We galloped off into the forest. It was badly overgrown so we couldn’t see the wood for the trees. Rover asked the way and the trees barked back in the same language - Timber sappiness. We soon arrived at the agreed meeting point which was as far as you could go in the forest - halfway in, as any further you were going out. We all watched in different directions while the trees  silently fell around us. The old story was at least half true.The waiting elephants gathered up the trunks and put them on, ready for a swim in the river.
Rover was quite tired by now so I got a lift back to castle with Dumbo, the brightest of the elephants. He couldn’t swim though, so had left his trunks behind. It was a rough ride as the Howdah was too tall to get under the trees so we had to activate the miniaturisation facility. Dumbo shrunk to about three inches tall and I was in proportion to him.This meant that we had great problems getting over the moat because the drawbridge was up and I couldn’t reach the intercom button to call the King. The portcullis was no obstacle as we just walked through one of the gaps. I got hit on the head by Falling George just when I thought I was safely inside. I don’t know if you have ever been hit on the head by a drunken tortoise falling from a great height but I can tell you it was no ride in the park, or in the forest, or to Waitrose. I took him back up to the roof, of course, where he was reunited with the other parapets. It took me a long time to get up the stairs, each step was like a cliff, 15 feet high to me - I had lost the miniaturisation reset button.
I struggled back down to the parlour where I enjoyed the Focaccia and Manuka - there was a lot so I couldn’t manage all of it.
I then struggled up to the counting house where the sheets were spread all over the floor with blankets on top and the King snoring mightily under both of them. Even Kings need to sleep, I thought to myself.

I decided to retrace my steps to see if I could find the miniaturisation reset button so squeezed through the bars of the portcullis - I didn’t see Falling George come hurtling down towards m…

Thursday, 13 November 2014

Common cold



H5N1 - 0075 looked thoughtfully at his companion, he was small for a virus but purposeful and very adaptable. He was called SARS - 0213. His campaign has very nearly been successful. He and his family had moved through the population quite slowly and stealthily but the humans had reacted quickly, using all their skill and cunning to put their hygiene and infection protocols to best use and so they had defeated the spread of SARS. The family had been new to this war and so had not fully used their natural evolutionary ability to mutate. They were now reduced to a residual infection that now stayed at a low level in spite of all their best efforts. They were now regrouping and honing their mutation strategy to equip themselves better for the new outbreak in the human herd. They were now thinking of copying the very successful flu virus system of mutating during each summer and infecting the humans as the temperatures started dropping in late autumn. They had been very successful in 1918 with some 20 million human deaths but most viruses thought they were a spent force now that the humans had their adaptive flu vaccine in place for each season and so had gained the holy grail of herd immunity.
A breakaway group of SARS had looked at the possibility of mutating such that they could infect poultry, especially chickens, so that cross species infection could occur. This was, of course, possible and fairly easy but the avian flu viruses were well organised and their union was strongly against any other virus moving in on their territory. If the SARS tried this they would be up against a group of battle hardened avian flu warriors and they knew they could not infect dead chickens - the avianers were that ruthless, egged on as they were by the union coop stewards.
All this went through H5N1 - 0075’s brain as he considered and then rejected the idea of recruiting the SARS as allies in the continuing fight against the humans.
He had been given a free rein by the Virus Organising Body ( VOB ) so his next idea was to move up market and try to arrange an alliance with the bacteria. He knew this would be difficult because, although they had been badly affected by the use of antibiotics, their research scientists were now winning the war and breeding resistance to antibiotics in most of the eukaryotes. This meant they were getting more confident of victory and so, typically, they were reluctant to negotiate - seeing no need of alliances with what they considered to be inferior life forms. Some of them did not think viruses were life forms at all. He felt very small when he thought about this on his way to the meeting he had set up.
He was ushered into the throat of the meeting rooms, where he was kept waiting for 23 minutes before being shown into the presence of MRCA - 00995. They didn’t shake hands - too much risk of infection - and sat down across a table. The MRCA bacterium opened by saying that he thought the viruses had no more weapons in their locker so why should the eukaryotes be interested in a deal? The H5N1 responded by describing in detail the Ebola virus and how successful it had been so far and its plans for the future. ‘We see this as one of the viruses for the future as it has plans to use the human’s transport system to move and proliferate around the world. We really believe this could be an existential moment for the human race. Bacteria will then become irrelevant as far as the human war issue is concerned,’ he opined. ‘The MRCA family can, after all, be defeated merely by hand washing and a simple hygiene regime,’
The MRCA looked uncomfortable but riposted that they were working on resistant strains.
‘Well, it isn’t working well is it? The latest I heard was that you are in full retreat.’
‘Just as you are with the HIV virus.’
They batted back and forth for a while before agreeing a loose alliance between them. They agreed to not to attack the same humans and would not fight each other.
The H5N1 hurried off, he had a case of warts to encourage and had a meeting planned with a group of HPVs to show them how to best exploit the human vulnerability to porcine originated warts - or hogwarts as they were known.
The viruses had their own aristocracy and lower orders, similar to the human class system. The novo viruses were at the top of the tree of course but some of the others were sick of this and wanted the role of the lower classes of viruses to be more fully recognised. The ringleaders in this insurgency were the rhino viruses - they were ideally suited for this role as they were pachydermic anyway. Chief among these was the common cold - CC-0001. He was deeply resentful of his name - ‘We have probably caused more human misery than the rest of you lot,’ he said as he made his leader’s speech to the annual conference - held during the summer in Margate while the rhinos had very little to do. ‘Just because we are common, not to say ubiquitous, doesn't mean that we are not very effective. We fight the humans on the handkerchiefs, on the sniffing grounds - we will never surrender to the aspirin or the paracetamol. We will always be a headache to the human race.’
This speech started a revolution as the contribution to human misery by the Common Colds was finally recognised by the other viruses. The phage was set for the phinal confrontation with the human race. The common colds were not to be sneezed at in future.

A-Tishoo. ‘Excuse me.’

Thursday, 16 October 2014

Dreams

‘The sun was hovering low above the horizon. The air was clear and still. There was no red in the evening sky. The red was concentrated in the desert sand and the rocky banks of the wadi that led to the sea, many miles away to the South East. The wadi was dry of any water. The only sign that water was involved in it’s creation was the drifts of pebbles across a point bar and the dunes that looked half finished in its bed. They had been cut by further currents at the base of the water column, imbricating the flat rocks with the speed and force of the flow, saltating the smaller ones, clouding the water with sandy drifts until it was opaque.
It had been a hot day, no clouds. This was normal here, it had been normal for many days, years, millennia. It had been many thousand years since it had rained here. There was no shade, nothing to cast shadows until the planet cast its own over itself as the sun deserted this barren place at the end of each day. It felt ironic that this desert was in the rain shadow of the vast, craggy, knife edged mountains to the North West. The mountains had been thrown up into the sky by the mighty clash of the crustal plates. The movement was slow but neither plate would yield, the only way was up. These were mighty mountains, deep - rooted in the continental crust. They were tall, tall enough to spear into the circling clouds until they leaked and let water drop from their icy upper reaches. 
The water hit the mountain tops, washing down the fragments released by the expanding ice. The torrents increased in size as they merged and flowed faster down the flanks of the giants utill the gradient eased and the streams formed great outwash fans of rocks, boulders, pebbles and sand. The torrents joined as they slowed, joined with their cousins from other familial mountains. The increased volume of water was able to move huge volumes of material downstream. Some was deposited in the bed, other, smaller grained material was carried within the water column, deposited on the inside of bends then eroded away again, building and destroying dunes. 
The flood reached the wadi formed from the last flood, and the flood before that. It deepened and was channelled by the rocky banks, its speed increased, it roared and growled, fought with itself, humped up in great waves and was a reddish brown with its load of sediments. Nothing stood in its way but there were no floaters, no tree trunks, plants had not yet established, the desert was barren. The flash flood reached the end of the wadi, the flood dispersed, fed into a braided river system moving lazily across a vast plain. The larger boulders were dropped, pebbles were still carried on until they too were dropped as the flow slowed. The cloudy water sluggished and then came to a stop. This time it had not reached the sea but there would be other floods. The remaining water in the playa lakes soaked into the ground and what was left evaporated, leaving white minerals behind. 
All was now quiet, all was calm, peace spread across the plain and the sun went to her rest. No animals stirred. There were no animals, only a few dead, toothless, armoured  fish that had been marooned in the playas by the retreating water. They died, suffocated in the muddy, fine-grained sediments, ready to take their place in the fossil record, to wait for 400 million years until plucked out of the red cliffs by bright eyed students.
'I keep on having this dream, Doctor. Why is it always the same time, why always a flood and then a sunset?’
‘That is certainly a lot of whys,’ said Dr Williams. ‘We will have to check you out physically, check your medications and see if we can find a cause. In the meantime, your hour is up and we can continue next time. Please see your GP for a full physical and bring a list and samples of all your meds next time.’
‘OK Doc,’ I said as I levered myself off the couch which squeaked as my body surfed the worn leather. ‘I’ll make an appointment for a couple of week’s time. See you then. I’d better get back to work now.’ I picked up my helmet and clamped it onto my suit to form an air tight seal before reaching the door that the doctor held open for me.

The doctor let his patient out of the door, closed it firmly, set the clamps and then went over to the window. He twisted the control to allow him to see out. He looked at the red surface of the desert, the ragged mountains in the distance, the dry wadi heading down to the South East, the sun low in the sky. ‘Why had his patient dreamed of water? There had been no rivers on Mars for millions of years.’ He sighed, walked back to his desk to write up the report, before unclamping the air tight door, ready for his next patient.

Thursday, 3 July 2014

Customer Service


The knife descended slowly, guided by a patient and skilled hand. It was very sharp, with just enough of a serration to make it glide easily through the meat, like a freshly stropped razor through a two day growth of stubble. It touched the surface and then started the cut. It sliced slowly down through the muscle tissue, and, as it sawed around the bone, the blood oozed out of the wound and mixed with the other fluids.
 There was a triumphant grin on the face of the diner as the cube of meat was successfully separated from the sirloin steak on his plate. He speared it with the fork in his left hand, wiped it in the puddle of peppered gravy and lifted it slowly to his mouth. He chewed indulgently to savour the just-cooked, rare flavour – exactly to his liking. There were vegetables on his plate, if you class mushrooms, small and thinly sliced with a heap of fried onion rings, as vegetables. It was Friday and therefore steak was on the menu. It was usually a 10 ounce sirloin, fresh that day from the butcher, carefully selected and cut to his own specification, which the butcher now knew. He was a regular customer for steak on a Friday.
He was a tidy man. He had a menu for the week, each day had its own evening meal. He lived on his own; who would put up with his idiosyncrasies? He enjoyed his food during the week but always looked forward to a steak on a Friday. It was the highlight of his week – unless he ruined it by overcooking, of course. That was liable to spoil his enjoyment of the complete weekend.
He took his empty plate to the sink in the small kitchen, just off the living room in his small flat, meticulously washed the plate, knife and fork and the other cooking utensils. He then rinsed them to get rid of the washing up detergent. He stacked them on the draining board for ten minutes to drain before drying them with a freshly washed cloth and then carefully put away each item in its allotted place. He then dried the draining board with the tea towel and placed it in the washing machine, ready for the weekly wash on Sunday. He rather enjoyed his OCD, it made him good at his job - both of them in fact
Opening up and switching on his lap top, he deleted his e mails, cancelled the old account he had used for the last week and set up his new, pre-arranged account to see if he had any ‘off the books’ work for the weekend. He had one potential contract so he deleted everything, cancelled his new e mail account and shut down the lap top. He knew that spending longer than was necessary on a live account was to risk exposure. He would telephone his agent later from a public telephone, one he had not used before.

*

William was born on a farm in Wales. His Mother was Rhianon; his Father, Gerwhyn. The family name was William so young William was always known as Bill Bill. It wasn’t that funny and it annoyed William immensely so his peers carried on with the joke and it stuck.
It was run as a hill farm, sheep was the only crop apart from a few vegetable sold to the neighbours when the kitchen garden was producing a summer glut. It was on the Cambrian Mountains, near Plynlymon, the source of the Severn.
He did well at maths at school. This was lucky because the farm was not big enough to support him as well as his parents and sister so he had to find a job to bring in some money. He didn’t like being poor, even less being dependent on the hill farming subsidy from the EU so he was determined to find a well-paying job and then work out a way of making a lot of money. He didn’t enjoy working - especially what people called honest work which, as far as William could see, just meant it was hard, sweaty, dirty and didn’t pay much. It didn’t really have much to recommend it as far as William was concerned. There had to be an easier way to make some money, he was determined never to be poor once he grew up. As he was good at maths, he really worked hard at it, always coming top of his class in the numerous tests and exams at the local school which was in the Bethesda Chapel, in the village near the head of the valley. He thought maths might be his ticket out of farming and out of the valley to his rich future.
He was a lonely boy, he only had one real friend, Tegwyn Evans from the next valley. He spent most of his free time either working on his Dad’s farm or studying maths. Tegwyn had a similar distaste for hard work and found sheep farming to be irksome and wanted something easier that brought in more money so he and William were natural allies all the way through school. They schemed about the future but separated at the age of fifteen when they both left school and went their separate ways.
William got his first job in an insurance company in Swansea while Tegwyn found a position as an IT trainee with a company in Birmingham. They inhabited different worlds so never met. William was successful at the insurance company and quickly worked his way through the accounts office and then into the actuarial department where he soon became head actuary by dint of his detailed work with data, his capacity for hard work and his accuracy which had a way of working through to and improving the company’s profits.

*

William had had a hard week. As you would expect of such a fastidious, fussy and neat man, he enjoyed being an actuary. One step up the boredom ladder from an accountant if the urban legends were to be believed, but this wasn’t William’s view of it at all. He enjoyed his job and didn’t find the work boring. He liked inventing spreadsheets, populating them with figures for the ages of death of thousands of people and then interrogating them with ‘what if?’ questions to see what effects various issues had on the age at death.
What age would you expect a man to die if he smoked 33 cigarettes a day, drank a bottle of red wine every day, exercised for 5 hours a week, played no sport and worked as an accountant? Yes, Henry fully expected to die at the age of 63. Some people would find this work tedious and a little morbid, but he loved it. It felt like he had the power of life and death over the people in his spreadsheets while, in fact, all he controlled was the size of the premium they would pay for the life insurance they purchased from his employer and so how much it would make. This assumed, of course that William’s predictions were correct. They had been so far.
William was convinced that all this data had a value to him but he hadn’t found how, yet.  Then he had the glimmer of an idea. He would steal identities and then carry out something else as a different person, he was not sure what yet, but it would probably be illegal, and profitable.
                The spreadsheets gave him access to those people who he predicted would die young. When a young person died who was also a customer of William’s company, he would sometimes find a reason for refusing the pay-out to the grieving relatives – often an exclusion clause in the cleverly written, but unread, small print. He used the company’s letter head to write to the family refusing the pay-out, but then continue to pay the premium so that the company would think that person was still alive. William would then assume that dead person’s identity and use his documents to appear to carry on a normal financial life. He would hire a car under that person’s name and use a forged credit card to pay for fuel and generally assume their identity when necessary to carry out his other, weekend nefarious work.

*

                It was Friday evening. George walked from his flat to a lock-up garage he had rented the previous week in the name of a young man who had just died. William had assumed his name and hired an anonymous - looking car which he had stored for a week in the garage. He had made himself known to the neighbouring garage owners as George Hammit, the name of his deceased customer. He got in and drove off. He drove carefully, within the speed limit, he didn’t want to get pulled over or photographed – the less records there were of him the better. After 32 miles, he stopped at a service area and found a working telephone. He punched in the familiar number. It was answered after four rings by the familiar, ‘yes?’
                ‘273’ responded George, with the code of the day.
                ‘Sunday afternoon. 2 o’clock. Bridge, car accident. Photo. 583 592. £70,000’
‘No problem but price is £100,000, please confirm,’ said George. He hung up, memorised the short instructions and put the OS ref into his sat nav. to see that the site for the planned accident was Stannochy Bridge, just outside Brechin on the B1934. He knew the area well. It was a nice easy job to occupy the weekend – if the customer agreed the price.
                He didn’t know why the target was wanted dead by someone, he wasn’t interested. His job was to make sure it happened and then to be sure he collected his fee. He trusted his agent, they had worked together for more than five years. His fee would be added to the growing pile in his several accounts in Freeport, Grand Bahama – he used different names for each one of course. The total was over £2 million by now, enough to fund his planned retirement in his villa on Andros Island that he had bought some fifteen years before.  This was planned to be his last contract, in spite of his agent’s pleas to continue. George did not want to take his pitcher too often to the well, like Rachel, and end up with a broken pitcher, or even head perhaps.
He liked banks that liked to say ‘yes’ and even better, didn’t like to ask questions. He never spent his fee money, he was careful to live frugally, within his means as a salaried actuary. It was just a job to him but sometimes he woke in the middle of the night and could see all his victims lined up, just looking at him until he woke up in a sweat. He thought he was getting too old for this job. He was getting forgetful and liable to make mistakes. That could be fatal for someone in a trade such as his.
                William was a hit man or, as he preferred to think of himself, a self-employed removal specialist. He moved people from this world to the next, a sort of twin world Pickfords. This was, of course, in complete contrast to his day job and he was the last person anyone would think of being a contract killer. He had none of the underworld characteristics that the general public associated with a hit man, with his precise, somewhat prissy persona and OCD. It wasn’t the sort of job that you replied to an advert in the local paper sent in your CV and then took the job if the interview was successful.
                It had all started with a telephone call one Sunday afternoon.
                ‘Hello.’
                ‘Ring me back in 15 minutes on this number from a public phone, use coins not a credit card and mention no names.’ The line went dead so William replaced the handset and then thought about it, intrigued. He tugged on his jacket and walked down the road to Tesco where he knew there was a public phone. He rang the number. A voice said ‘If I tell you that my dog was called Shep, do you know who this is?’
                ‘Yes,’ said William.
                ‘OK then. Can you meet me this afternoon, in Queen’s park, on the bench by the duck pond?’
                ‘Yes,’
                ‘Four o’clock OK?’
                ‘Yes, but what-‘
‘-I’ll explain everything then.’
William put the phone down and thought a moment. Should he go or not? He walked back to his flat, deep in thought. By the time he got back he knew that he had to go and find out what all this was about. He couldn’t bear the thought of never knowing if he had missed an opportunity, shrouded in mystery as it was.

*

At the agreed time, he approached the appointed bench and at down, joining the figure on the other end of the bench. There was no one else in sight so he thought it was safe to use names.’
                ‘Hello,‘ he said, ‘I haven’t seen or heard from you for more than ten years.’
                ‘Hello, William, you’re looking well. Yes, it must be about ten years and after today, we will never see each other again.’
                ‘What’s all this about then, why all the secrecy?’ asked William.
                ‘Well, I’ve set up a sort of agency and I wondered if you would like to make a lot of money quite quickly? I am sure that job you have is steady and secure but it is never going to make you rich is it?
                ‘Have you been snooping on me?’ asked William.
                ‘Oh yes, I’ve spent a year and a lot of money having you really well checked out. I know, for example that you have set up quite a few false identities for yourself but you haven’t exploited them yet.’
                ‘Oh, now I understand, you want to blackmail me. Is that it? How much do you want?’
                ‘No, no, far from it. I want to help you to make full use of those identities and also make you a very rich man.’
                ‘How?’ asked William.
                ‘I have a lot of contacts so if someone wants someone killed, they eventually come to me and I arrange it. That is why all the secrecy is necessary. We work through cut-outs and never meet each other. All the contact is by telephone, in code on temporary pay- as- you go mobiles and short term e mail addresses.’ He said. ‘Before I go any further, are you interested? If you’re not, we will both forget this meeting ever took place.
                ‘I like the sound of making a lot of money quickly, so go on, what would I have to do?’
                ‘I will send you an e mail from a temporary account to your temporary agreed account and then you will telephone me from a telephone you have never used before and quote the current code number. I will then give you the details of the job and the price. You can then accept or reject the job. If you accept and complete the job successfully, I will then pay your fee into any bank account you specify.’
                ‘What happens if we don’t get any customers?’ asked William.
                ‘That’s where it gets very clever. As I say, I have a lot of contacts so we make up stories and rumours to get two people at each other’s throats until it gets so bad that one guy then goes with a planted suggestion from one of my contacts to take out a contract on the other guy. Then we follow the usual procedure. Please bear in mind that most of the people we kill, society would judge as being better off dead anyway. Not really very nice people, so we are doing society a service – they just don’t know about it. We usually make the deaths look like accidents unless it is to make an example of someone but, of course, that costs extra.’
                ‘I have a question,’ said William.’
                ‘I bet it is “how much do you charge?”’, grinned the agent.
                ‘You’ve got it in one,’ said William
                ‘My fee structure varies with how much work I have do. It will be between 10% and 35%. There is no VAT payable of course…’
                ‘OK, I have heard enough, I’ll give you my answer before next Sunday.’
                ‘Give me call on this number, remember the rules; just give me the code number then yes or no. If it is no, you will never hear from me again. If it is yes, you will never see me again but I will try and get you your first job soon. Good to see you again William.’
                ‘You too.’
They shook hands and left in opposite directions.
William rang the number and accepted the job after two days thinking about it.

*

The radio was perched on top of the rows of pigeon holes, tuned to ‘Farming Today’ with Charlotte Smith. Pat was fascinated by the story about livestock breeding at the Devon County Show. He considered himself something of an expert in all things agricultural even though his garden at the back of his house in Shobrooke was less than a quarter of an acre. Most of his information was garnered from Radio 4 every morning at 6.30.  His practical agricultural experience was limited to growing vegetables.
                Pat O’Brian was in the sorting office at the back of the Post Office in Crediton, sorting out his post deliveries for the day. He had the Crediton number 5 round. Pat had been doing this round for nearly twenty five years so knew all that was going on there and called each of his customers by name and always had time for a chat. He wasn’t the fastest postman in the West but the round suited him, he enjoyed a chat with his customers, who seemed to like him.
                He was very surprised, therefore to see a letter addressed to John Evans at 12 Landscore Gardens. He knew that John had died from lung cancer about five years ago. He would still deliver it but take time to have a comforting chat with John’s Dad, Eric. He didn’t want to take the chance of his mother seeing it first. It might be too upsetting for her. He took care to place the letter on its own so that he wouldn’t miss it out on his round.

*

George had his Friday dinner, steak of course, a couple of hours sleep and then set off in his hired car for the long, overnight drive to Stannochy Bridge. He always was scrupulous in carrying out a recce and researching his target. He found that the bridge was fairly high and crossed the South Esk River. It was built in the 19th century of Devonian Scone sandstone – probably from the nearby quarry. It was also a listed building so hadn’t been kept in very good repair
                He parked the car in the disused quarry, out of sight of passers-by, and walked to the bridge. He carried a rucksack and tucked his trousers in his red socks so that he looked like a hiker. He sized up the bridge and saw that it would be fairly easy to create an ‘accident’ for a driver travelling towards Brechin from the South. A swerve to the left, just before the bridge would be enough to ensure that the car would crash through the badly maintained parapet on the narrowing road and end up in the river. All it needed was for the driver to see an obstacle on the right hand side of the road and then to swerve to avoid it. George knew just the thing to give the impression of an obstacle, he had managed a similar scenario before.

*

Pat rang the bell at 12 Landscore Gardens. Mrs Evans opened the door. Pat was a little taken aback but soon recovered, ‘err, I’ve got a letter that has to signed for by your husband,’ lied Pat. ‘Is Eric in?’
                ‘Just a minute Pat, I’ll get him for you, he’s in the garden.’ She disappeared into the house. After a moment, Eric appeared.
                ‘Can I have a quiet word with you, Eric? I didn’t want to upset your missus, I know she is a little fragile as far as John is concerned. There is a letter here addressed to him so I thought you should see it first in case it is something upsetting.’
                ‘Thanks Pat, that’s very thoughtful of you, I’ll open it out here to see what it is.’
It was from Stephen Moore, Customer Service Manager at the insurance company where George worked.
                ‘I’m not a great fan of theirs,’ grumbled Eric, ‘after them turning down our claim about John, it made things harder than necessary in my view. Now he has the nerve to send us a letter and put John’s name on it instead of mine. Anyway, let’s see what he has to say.’
                ‘That’s why I thought it a little strange and so I made sure you would read it first, before Mrs Evans.’

“Dear Mr Evans
As part of our commitment to improving our customer service, we are writing to our long standing customers to offer a 10% reduction in premium on your Life Insurance.
                We would ask that you contact us to confirm that you are happy to take up this offer and please do not hesitate to ask if there is any way we can be of help to you..
                                Yours sincerely
                                Stephen Moore
Customer Service Manager.

‘But, but we didn’t get anything at all when John died and we cancelled the Direct Debit for the insurance five years ago. They said there was something in the small print that would stop us claiming. We were in such a state at the time that we didn’t query it and just made the best if it. After all, money wouldn’t bring John back to us, would it, Pat?’
                ‘Well no, I suppose not but it is money that is due to you and John would have wanted you to have it. Look upon it as a present from him.’
Eric turned away, with tears in his eyes. ‘Thanks Pat, I’ll talk it over with the missus and we’ll decide what to do. I suppose a letter to Mr Moore wouldn’t be out of place would it?’
                ‘I’ll leave it with you then. Will I see you on Saturday for the carp competition at Shobrook Lake?’ asked Pat
                ‘Wouldn’t miss it,’ said Eric. ‘I’ll see you there, it’s your turn to supply the beer.’
                ‘Yes, I hadn’t forgotten and I see you haven’t either,’ said Pat, angrily, as he winked at his old friend.

*

George drove to Aberdeen airport, where he returned the hire car and got back in his own car for the 2 hour drive to Edinburgh Airport where he parked it in the far corner of the long term car park.
                He sorted out his identity before leaving his car. He chose one of his personas from the twenty or so he had in stock. He was now Malcolm Green, complete with passport and driving licence. He took the flight-approved carry on case from the boot, loaded with clothes to make it feel the right weight and wheeled it off to the departures area of the terminal. He then walked along to the café where he enjoyed a coffee while he waited for the incoming Easy Air flight from Bristol to arrive. When he saw the stream of arriving passenger, he merged with them, pulling his trolley bag along behind him. The Hurtz man behind the car hire desk saw him coming from arrivals and prepared to sort out a car for him.
                ‘Hello, my name is Green, Malcolm Green. I phoned you yesterday about hiring a small car for a couple of days?’
                ‘Yes Mr Green, I have an Escort for you, waiting out on our car park, fuelled up and ready to go.’
                ‘Great,’ said Malcolm. He completed the formalities, accepted the keys and walked out to the car park where he put the bag in the boot and set off.
                He drove home, only stopping in Dundee at an internet café, to print out the photo of his latest target from his current e mail account and checked that his customer had increased the price in accordance with George’s demands. 20% of the increase went to his agent, of course, so George knew he would negotiate well. It is worth a few minutes of arguing to get anything up to £20,000 – tax free.
                He did some research, timed his target’s movements on Sunday and checked the type of car. He would be driving a Skoda Yeti, License number XZ13 6FG. He would reach Stannochy Bridge, driving North at about 9pm – nicely dark and after most of the day’s traffic. The ideal time to carry out a contract.
                He then drove back to his Scottish lock up garage where he busied himself with some plywood, a jigsaw and some white paint and rope, before driving the escort into his garage and securely locking it for the night before walking around the corner to his B & B, ready for the job tomorrow.

*

Colin Read put his head around the door of Stephen Moore’s office and said, ‘you wanted a word. Steve?’
                ‘Yes, come on in Colin, pour yourself a coffee and sit down. Now let me tell you a story. As you know, I started in this job about a year ago and it has been going very well. I have really enjoyed my time here. This was until I started our loyalty programme. This was the idea that life insurance is a long term business and if you play fair with your long standing customers, you will reap the benefits and perhaps pass you on to their children, so you get the next generation of customers.
                I looked into our data base for all those people who had been with us for more than five years and wrote them a letter, offering them a 10% discount on their premiums. Most people wrote back saying they were happy with our service and they would be delighted to accept the discount. Then the unhappy letters started coming back. I received thirty six in total saying that they had expected to be recipients of a policy that paid out when one of their relations had died but that the company refused to pay on the grounds of some detail in the small print.
 I checked back through the policies and found that, according to our records, they were still in force, the insured person was in good health and the premiums were still being paid. This set alarm bells ringing, hence this conversation with you, Colin. Here is a copy of one such letter from Mr and Mrs Evans of Crediton in Devon. We obviously have a communication problem within the company and also seem to be getting a bad name through no fault of ours.’
                ‘I’ve been here as a fraud investigator for fifteen years, Steve, and this is a new one on me. Normally I investigate claims for deaths on policies that have recently been taken out, not someone trying to keep a policy going. The only reason I can think of is to use the dead person’s identity for some criminal purpose. Shall I look into this?’
                ‘Yes, definitely. Why not start with these customers in Crediton and try to find out what is going on?’
                ‘OK, Steve. I’ll have a sniff around and dig up some information.’

*

Malcolm was ready to go by 7 o’clock. He walked round to his garage, loaded the car with the plywood figure – the paint had dried overnight – and set off in the car. He had a moustache stuck on with spirit gum. He was wearing a tweed jacket with a flat cap and he had smeared mud over the car number plates so it would be difficult to identify him. He drove to Stannochy Bridge and parked the car in the same quarry as the day before, behind a stand of ash trees. It was February so it was already dark. He walked the short distance to the bridge and set up the wooden figure just behind the right hand parapet.
The time was 8-30. He waited. He saw a Yeti nearing the bridge. He ducked down behind the parapet. He waited. He pulled sharply on the rope. The driver of the Yeti saw a sheep suddenly appear in his headlights. He swerved to the left to try to avoid the animal. The car smashed through the ancient parapet and careered down the steep slope into the river where it turned over and then stayed still, jammed against a rock by the fast – flowing, peaty water.
                Malcolm collected the wooden sheep and ran down to watch the drowning car. After ten minutes there was no sign of life so he walked over to his car in the quarry, loaded the sheep into the boot and started back the way he had come, towards Edinburgh airport.
                He stopped in a layby after fifty miles and rammed his moustache, cap and tweed jacket into a black plastic sack and pushed it to the bottom of the litter bin. He took the sheep into the wood behind the layby and left it behind a tree.
                He then drove on to the airport, parked the car in the Hurtz car park and dropped the keys into the box after checking the car over for any signs that he had left behind. He pulled his wheeled carry-on over to the long term car park and retrieved his own car for the long drive South.
                He was glad to get back to his flat after a busy, but profitable, weekend.

*

There was a meeting planned in the board room for 1030. Steve was there, with Colin. The Financial and Managing Directors were there to be briefed on the security lapse and the possibility of the company’s good name being dragged through the mud.
                ‘Would you start the briefing please Colin, then we’ll ask questions to fill in the gaps as we go along. Is that OK with you two?’ asked the MD.
                ‘No problem.’ said Steve, as the FD nodded and opened his notebook.
                ‘I visited Mr and Mrs Evans and asked them all about the death of their son, John. They were very open and forthcoming although they were very puzzled as to what had happened. I told them that the company would now pay their claim in full with a 20% bonus as long as they didn’t talk about it to anyone, as the investigation was still ongoing. They are a very honest couple and didn’t want to accept the bonus until I asked them to accept that it was a gift from the company in partial recompense for all the pain they had gone through over the last five years.
                I then talked to the bank who paid the monthly direct debit for the premium. They would not disclose the account holder without a court order but I found out who it was by other means. I don’t think you should know how I did that but it is a Peter Clarke who lives in the Bahamas. I tried to trace him but the trail only led to a ‘brass plate’ bank in Nassau so the trail ended there.
 I then searched the internet for any mention of ‘John Evans’ in the last five years in Crediton, this company and then the UK. There were many John Evans in the UK but it was interesting to see that a John Evans had hired a car from Edinburgh Airport five years ago. I took a trip up there and got a copy of his documents from the guy on the desk. His address was in Dundee. I looked up the address and found that a George McCaig lived there. I then contacted the DVLC in Swansea and got a photo of this guy and, believe it or not, I recognised him. He is our chief actuary, Henry Williams.
I then started digging into the other cases, all 36 of them and found that he has been carrying out the same scam with them. I don’t know why he wants all these identities but I am sure he is up to no good with them.
He has two weeks holiday booked in a month’s time and also has a flight booked to Miami. I can’t find out where he is going after that but I suspect it is the Bahamas – I will find that out in the next couple of days.’         
‘Extraordinary! Who would have thought it of Henry, he is such a boring fellow. I think you have done an excellent job, Colin. Now, what do we think should be done about it?’ Asked the MD.
‘I think we should immediately make payments to the 35 other beneficiaries with a 20% bonus in return for silence. Just the same as the Evans,’ offered the FD. ‘We should then turn the details over to the police to investigate. I think it is too serious to keep it in-house, he obviously has some scam going on with all these identities. Suppose he has killed someone?’ They all laughed at the thought of meek and mild Henry killing anyone.
‘OK, are we all agreed on that? Right, I think you should stop investigating Colin in case Henry gets wind of it. This should stay here in this room and I will deal with the police directly. We must see justice done while protecting the good name of the company.’

*

Inspector Jenkins and Sergeant Smith stood by the departure gate at Heathrow. The flight to Miami had just started boarding. They were waiting for the tip-off from the gate staff when Robert presented his ticket and boarding card, just in case they didn’t recognise him.
Harry Roberts strode up, quite unsuspecting. The Inspector took him by the arm and said the usual words, ‘I am arresting you, Henry Williams, in connection with fraud. You do not have to….’
Harry said nothing as Sergeant Smith clipped on the handcuffs in front of the disbelieving other passengers.

*

Harry had packed just enough clothes to look as if he was going on holiday, not leaving the country for good. His flat was left to give the same impression. Even his lap top was left behind but when the police got a warrant to search the place and confiscate his computer, they found nothing. Harry had taken the precaution of replacing his hard drive with a new one and deleted the data on the old one with a hammer. It was the only type of deletion he really trusted. He rang his agent to tell him of the successful conclusion to the job and wished Tegwyn a final ‘Good-bye.’
When the interview started, the police had no real evidence of fraud, just that William / George / Henry  / had stopped the pay-outs to 36 customers and had taken over the responsibility of the direct debits. They tried to get out of Henry the reason he had done this but he kept schtum. His lawyer summed up by saying, ‘you have no information that my client committed fraud. In fact he saved the company many large pay-outs and continued to pay the direct debits. It seems to me that Henry saved the company several million pounds and cost them nothing. I think he is free to go, unless you have evidence that shows my client has committed any offence? The only offence that I can see he committed was to be too diligent in his job, he didn’t like paying out the capital.’
‘Err, well, I suppose so,’ said the inspector.
‘In that case, I expect the police to reimburse my client for the cost of the flights that he missed because of the arrest,’ said Peter Mason. ‘Goodbye.’

*

William sat back in his seat in the first class cabin of the Airbus A380 and ruminated on the events of the last five years. He had a total of over $3 million in various bank accounts and he would spend the rest of his life on Andros Island, in his villa, surrounded by clear blue seas, gently lapping on long sandy beaches. Just the occasional 10 minute flight to Nassau when he wanted a change or a visit to one of his banks.
He regretted the 36 lives that had enabled all of this but he thought he could live with the occasional nightmare, after all, no one had ever complained about the customer service he provided. It was better than herding sheep after all.
‘Not bad for an actuary,’ he thought as he sipped his complementary glass of chilled Sancerre, after a lunch of sirloin steak.
‘It’s not even Friday,’ he silently gloated to himself


Friday, 2 May 2014

Homelessness

‘Sit down Davy, I think it is time I told you The Story,’ said Dad as I walked across the square on my way home from school, leaving the shower there behind me.
                ‘What do you mean Dad, what story?’
                ‘You have probably heard rumours and gossip about it from your mates, now I want to confirm to you The Story, just like my Dad did to me when I was your age, and his Dad before that’
                ‘Err, ok then Dad. Do you want to talk about it here, in the centre of Nottingham?’
                ‘Why not, this is now our home.
                ‘OK, Dad.’
                ‘Listen well, Son.’

*****

‘Many, Many years ago, when time was still young, there was The Void. It was dark, cold and still. The Void existed for many years, epochs and eons until one day, a puff of vapour appeared. Out of that vapour came a breath. This breath condensed in the dark and still upon the cold. It stayed there in the dark, frosty and crystalline because of the cold. There was not a trace of Brownian motion. Nothing happened for many more long eons. Then a moon burst into existence. It reflected a ghostly dim light from the far distant Sun but it was enough to see the crystals sparkling in the greenish light. It had been postulated by scholars that the moon was made of green cheese. There was enough light to see that this was indeed the Garden of Edam. It was called the Planet of Troo.

                We were all happy there. It was a clearly structured society. Because it was so cold, everyone knew their place within the crystal lattice. Family bonds were short and symmetrical. Young children were frightened into submission by their parents of terrible warnings about what would happen if they were banished to the Void. There was no liquid water as Planet Troo was too far away from the Sun to be in the goldilocks zone. After many happy years of unchanging contentment, some scholars warned that a rogue planet was approaching – it would not impact Troo but the new planet’s gravity would have a disturbing effect and could well break up Troo. This is what happened and Troo was broken into unknowable numbers of fragments of ice, known forever after as the Oort Cloud.

                Someone had to be blamed. A hunt for scapegoats took place. A group of young people were found and blamed because they had been practicing the sin of sublimation. The guilty ones were rounded up and sentenced to be banished to the Void. Banished to the terrifying cold, black velvet, unknown, of the Void. A huge lump of dirty ice was given to them with a brief, ‘Good Luck,’ then they were sent upon their way with everyone thinking that they would never survive the Void because we all believed the stories we had been told as children.

                The Oort Cloud is in the far reaches of the solar system but the Sun’s gravity still has a very small but insistent pull. The chunk of ice was eventually captured by the Sun’s gravity and began to describe a very long elliptical orbit around it with the Oort Cloud at aphelion. Kepler’s laws were unknown then so all thought the orbit would be circular and so would easily miss the Earth at Perihelion.  This would mean that the comet, because so it was named, would forever orbit the sun with only slight perturbations during an alignment of the planets. The comet warmed up as it approached the Sun and started releasing a tail of particles away from it. It could still be seen from the Oort Cloud but appeared to be wavering, because of the gravity perturbations, as it orbited the sun, hence the fable of The Wandering Dew.

                As they closed upon the Earth, it became clear that they were a Near Earth Comet and there was a high probability that they would impact the Earth as the orbit was altered by the closeness of the planet. They got closer and closer until they crashed into the Earth. The kinetic energy was instantly turned into heat, which melted the ice so a great quantity of water was delivered to the earth – along with the organic molecules that had dirtied the ice. This has always been known as The First Splash.’ Davey and his Dad then spat upon the ground to recall this event and as a mark of respect for this gift of creation.

                ‘Over the following geological ages in the Paleoproterozoic, more comets crashed into the Earth with their cargoes of organic molecules and so the oceans were formed and beasts grew within them, starting with simple algae formed from the molecules carried by the comets. All the people on the comets were, of course, incinerated on impact.’

                ‘So that is The Story, young Davy. Now you must pass it on to your children.’
                ‘How will I know when to tell them, Dad?’
                ‘You will know when the time is right.’
                ‘OK, Dad,’ said Davy as I prepared to skip off home.
                ‘Wait, said Dad, ‘I must explain why we are always moving. It is because we feel we do not belong, we are homeless, we are always searching for a way back to the Garden of Edam. I will now tell you a story that highlights this, here on Earth.’

*****

‘Almost all the water on the Earth is in the oceans. A warm atmosphere above it evaporates the water from the sea and forms clouds above it. Coriolis forces start to spin the clouds and sometimes a tropical storm or hurricane is formed. This blown across the land where it is raised by the mountains and cooled. The clouds cannot hold as much water at this lower temperature so a rainstorm starts to fall on the seaward side of the mountains. Rivulets start to form on the high ground and they form mountain torrents as they merge. They eventually reach the plains where they meet up to form huge, meandering rivers on their way to the sea. They carry sediment from the erosion in the mountains and form new land on the edges of the rivers before they reach the sea and dump the remaining silt, forming a delta. This is called the water cycle.

It rains here in Nottingham, often. The rain runs down along the gutters and forms puddles. The puddles form in dents and cracks in the ground. Do you not think it is strange and wonderful that the shape of the cracks and dents exactly fits the puddle where we are now talking? Is this not the absolute proof of intelligent design?


We fit in and belong here. This is our real home, Davy.  We are homeless no longer.