The New Royal Baby

The new Royal baby.

            ‘Welcome to the Today program your Lordship.’

            ‘Thank you John, delighted to be here.’

            ‘You are, I believe, Lord Singeing Stephen, who is generally acknowledged as a constitutional expert?’

            ‘Yes, some people have called me that.’

            ‘Well, let me ask you a question about the constitutional arrangements then. ‘Will this baby, once she or he has been born, instantly become third in line to the British throne?’

            Firstly I would like to take this opportunity to offer my congratulations to the happy couple. Secondly, the answer to your question is ‘No.’

            ‘What!’

            ‘You may know that there has a been a lot of discussion within the Commonwealth Countries about this. Whether the succession to the British throne should be gender dependant or not.’

            ‘Yes, I had heard about that but I thought that was all settled during the recent Perth Conference.’

            ‘Well, yes and no.’

            ‘How do you mean?’

            ‘It has been agreed that gender will have no role in deciding who succeeds to the British throne in future and a bill will be passed in all the relevant parliaments to this effect during 2013.’

            ‘Well they had better get on with it then, they don’t want to be too late do they? Babies don’t wait for anyone.’

            ‘This is not an issue as the legislation will be retrospective’

            ‘Just like most things to do with the Royals’

            ‘Careful John, you don’t want to let your inner republican out of the closet do you?’

            ‘Well, OK then. So if that is all sorted out, why do you say that this child will not automatically become third in line to the throne?’

            ‘This is really out of our hands now as, since Gordon Brown signed the St Reatham treaty in 2007, we have to conform to the European Directive that refers to the use of Monarchy in non opted out countries - EUD/07/Rex/Reg/01 is the relevant document.

            This states that in any commonwealth of nations the Headship has to rotate between the members to ensure fairness and diversity just as the presidency of the European Union does.’

            ‘Are you telling me that any head of state of a commonwealth country can become King or Queen of England?’

            ‘No.’

            ‘But you just said…’

            ‘No, the result of this directive is that any head of state will become Queen of England, Wales and Northern Ireland. Who it is in any one year will be decided by a vote of those heads of state. That person will then become Queen of the Commonwealth.’

            ‘Unless that head of state is a man of course?’

            ‘No, the bureaucrats in Brussels made a mistake and, although they insisted that the head of state will be gender neutral, they forgot to include the phrase ‘or King’ in the final draft as it has been so long since we had a King in Britain, although I am sure you are old enough enough to remember King George VI?’

            ‘Well, err, just, but moving on. Are you saying that a male head of state of a commonwealth country could become our queen?’

            ‘No John, the word is ‘will.’’

            ‘Do you know who the first one will be?’

            ‘Well, as long as you keep it confidential John, I can reveal that the first will be Robert Mugabe. He will become Queen of England, Wales, Northern Ireland, Australia, Canada, New Zealand and the rest of the Commonwealth countries on 1^st January 2013 for one year. The coronation will be held in Hurryry – he is an old man you understand.’

            ‘Huh, you left Scotland out of that list!’

            ‘Yes, my good friend Bob insisted on that as a condition of taking the job.’

            ‘So, as usual, Mugabe gets off Scot free?’

            ‘Yes, I’m afraid so, he is very frightened of Alexander Salamander.’

             ‘I did hear somewhere that Mugabe comes from Yorkshire and used to work in a factory in Halifax making extra strong mints. Can you confirm this?’

            ‘Yes, in fact if you reverse both of his names, you will see it spelled out for you.’

            ‘Well, it all seems very strange to me but I guess we will have to accept that the world changes. Thank you for your time your lordship. By the way, is it true that all titles will be done away with in 2014.’

            ‘Yes, a very regrettable decision. in my opinion.’

            ‘Which wasn’t asked for, I assume?’

            ‘Err, no.’

            ‘OK, thanks Steve, see yu!’