The meeting

The meeting

Colin climbed slowly up the beautiful white Portland stone steps and manoevered himself through the mahogany revolving door, taking care not to touch the immaculately polished brass finger plates. He debarked from the door system onto the polished, pattened Carrera marble floor with two symetrical columns rising majestically to support the vaulted roof. He tried to work out if they were Doric, Ionic or Corinthian. He pictured himself back at school in Miss Atabelia’s classics class where he had been faced with the same question,  ‘Ionic has the most scrolls, Doric is the plainest and Corinthian is the fancy one,’ he thought he remembered. Colin stopped in the middle of the floor and looked around him at the richness of his surroundings. ‘Was it all designed to impress or intimidate?’ he wondered. It seemed to work as he was feeling both.

      His first words to the receptionist behind the modern glass desk were, ‘Lovely pair of Dorics you’ve got there Miss.’

      ‘What? How dare you say things like that to me.’ said the outraged  receptionist, Judy Tench, according to her name plate set on the desk in front of her.’I’ll report you for a health and safety violation, you should be wearing a Hi Vis jacket like every one else in the country.’

      ‘I’m sorry,’ said a flustered Colin. ‘Are they Ionic then, I get confused as to which has the most scrolls?’

      ‘Mr Hadnib, can you please come over here.’

The heavyset security guy in a smart, but ill fitting three piece suite, marched over to the reception desk, his gleaming black boots squeaking – he was clearly not used to walking sofa. ‘What seems to be the problem Miss Tench? Is this man bothering you? Shall I ask him to leave?’ he suggested with a joyful glint in his eye, hinting that he would perhaps enjoy the process a little too much as it would probably include a little less asking and a little more physical persuasion.

      ‘No thank you Mr Hadnib, I just need to find out what he is doing here.’

      ‘Wot are you doing here, mate? Miss Tench needs to know’, asked Iqbal, with a firm grasp of Colin’s left elbow

      ‘I’m here to meet with the governor and the rest of the MPC, err that’s the Monetary Policy Committee.’

      ‘Yerst, we know what MPC stands for. We’re not stupid are we Miss Tench? Why do you want to see that lot then, wot’s your business with them?’

      ‘Well, I err, I’m the new economist on the committee and I’m here for my first meeting with them.’

      ‘Name?’ asked Judy stiffly.

      ‘Err, well it’s Colin Tudge actually.’

      ‘Why have you got three names?'

      ‘What do you mean?’

      Well, Colin Tudge-Actually, that’s a very posh name isn’t it?

      ‘No it’s Colin Tudge really.’

      ‘Well make up your mind, which is it?’

      ‘Eh?’

      ‘Oh never mind, I’ll call the governor’s secretary and let him know that you’re here.’

      ‘Err, OK, thank you. What did you used to do for a living before you came here to work at the Bank of England, Iqbal?’ asked Colin, always eager to make new friends.

      ‘I was a screwdriver.’

      ‘A what?’

      ‘I was a chauffer for the govenor of Wormwood Scrubs.’

      ‘Oh, and before that?’

      ’I was a drug dealer.’

      ‘Heroin, cocaine, that type of thing?’

      ‘Nah. I used to work in Boots, selling aspirin, paracetamol and benacol. Then I got promoted to the perfume counter. I really liked Lulu, I had a real obsession about that one. I was always sniffing so I got sacked.

After that I got a summer job as a lifeguard at the gene pool.’

      ‘You may go up now Mr Tudge and please leave my dorics off the agenda in the future.’

      ‘Err, ok then, thank you Judy. Which meeting room are we in?’

      ‘It’s the Schrődinger room, its locked and open. I know it’s there somewhere but I never can find it.’

      ‘Huh?’

     

*

‘Good morning ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to the MPC meeting and a special welcome to young Colin here and myself, haw, haw. It is our first meeting and I am sure you will all make us both feel at home. I have a list here and I see that Brian Sledge is missing, where is he?’

      ‘Eh, I’m afraid he called an hour ago and said he would be a little late,’ said James Threadneedle, the governor’s secretary, from his support seat behind the governor’s right elbow.

      ‘That’s not good enough, I thought you Brits were tougher than that. Didn’t Churchill say, “ask not what your country can do for you but what can you do for your country?”’

      ‘Err, no, that was Jack Kennedy.’

      ‘Who’s he? Never heard of him. Well, let’s get on with the meeting, Brian can join us when he decides to get out of bed. “This is not the time for sound bites but I feel the hand of history on my shoulder”, as Nixon said a few years ago.’

      ‘No that was Tony… err never mind.’

      ‘Oh, hi, come on in. You must be Brian. What happened to you?’

      ‘I’m so, so sorry Guv but I was walking down Oxford Street with a friend of mine – his name is Henry and he walks very fast and… well, never mind all that. The point is that Henry was hit by a rental car that ran over one of his legs and broke it in two places. By the time I called an ambulance and got him sorted out I lost quite a bit of time and so that is why I am late. Sorry again.’

      ‘Waal, that sounds like a good enough excuse to me but don’t let it happen again. Was Henry in much pain from his broken leg?’

      ‘Yes, I think so. I asked him that and he said “Yes, it Hertz.”’

      ‘I surely hope he gets better soon.’

      ‘Thanks guv.’

      ‘Call me Bruce, please.’

      ‘OK, Bruce Please.’

      ‘Is that the famous Limy sense of humour.’

      ‘Err no, I thought that was your name.’

      ‘If you call me that, I’ll call you Brian Sledge-Late and hope you don’t do a runner. Haw, haw, “runner”, geddit? I said “runner” because your name is Sledge and sledges have… oh never mind.’

*

‘Right let’s get down to business. I don’t know what your approach to all this fiscal and monetary stuff is but I never can tell the difference. “We’ll fight them on the bleachers, we will fight them on the baseball grounds, we will never surrender,” as M.L. King once said as he gave Roosevelt a high six.’

      ‘I think you’ll find it was Churchill who almost sai…oh never mind.’

      ‘I need some ideas on what we need to do to get your economy out of the deep, doo, doo it’s in. You can start Colin. What would you do to clear the doo doo?’

      ‘Well, err, um, I’d start by…/

      ‘Sorry to interrupt, Colin, just as you were going to share your brilliant idea with us. What about some coffee to make sure we are all awake and on top form? Is there a lawyer in our little group here?’

      ‘Err, well, yes, I’m a barrister.’

      ‘And who are you?’

      ‘Rupert Tristram Smythe actually.’

      ‘And why have you got four names Rupert? Oh, I forgot, we’ve done all that haven’t we? Well Rupert, would you like to serve the coffee please?’

      ‘Well, ok then, but why did you choose me?’

      ‘You’re a barrista ain’t yu? You just said so. Is there a law against lawyers working for a living? Haw, haw. You could call it your pro boneo job for the day – like taking a dog for a walk.’

Rupert served the coffee, he didn’t think an explanation would help. He didn’t have a dog anyway.

      ‘Back to you then Colin, we are all prepared to be amazed.’

      ‘The first thing I would do is to print some money.’

      ‘Oooh Kaaay… how much would you print?’

      ‘I’d print enough to give every citizen in the country on the electoral roll £2,000.’

      ‘Whoah there yogi bear, what about giving some to the banks?’

      ‘No point. They would just pay it out in bonuses and it would be spent on foreign holidays and luxury goods made overseas. I suggest we give out the cash in voucher form that has to be spent within three months on goods manufactured in the UK. That is a boost  to the economy of about £90 billion. It would also have the advantage that all the money goes straight into people’s pockets and improves the feel good factor so people will go on the spend some of their own money.’

      ‘I can see where you’re coming from Colin but it ain’t gonna happen ‘cos it jest won’t work.’

      ‘Why’s that?’

      ‘Come on Colin, work it out for yourself, you can’t just give money away.’

      ‘But we’ve been giving money to the banks for the last three years, ever since we started QE.’

      ‘Yes, but that’s different Col, baby. “I have a dream that one day all bankers will be rich beyond their wildest dreams.” Your Tony Blare said that y’know. It was in his ’63 speech about the British revolution being forged in the white heat of technology.’

      ‘I thought it was Martin Luther Wilson?’

      ‘No, he was in Pirates of the Caribbean, playing Johny Depposit I think?’

      ‘Right Rupert, why don’t you tell us about the interest rate? What is it at the moment?’

      ‘A recent youguv poll put it at 34%.

      ‘Isn’t that a little high? I only get 1.3% from my building society account.’

      ‘Well, if you consider that 61% are not interested and 5% don’t know, it starts to make sense.’

      ‘Maybe to you Rupert, but not to me.”Many are cold but few are frozen” not sure who said that, but it’s in the KJV so it must be gospel.’

      ‘Can I ask how you got this job Bruce? If you don’t mind my saying so, you don’t seem like a typical governor of the BoE.’

      ‘That’s because I ain’t, young Rupert Tristram. I was working in this circus in Montreal see, when I was made redundant. I had trained the lions so well that they knew what to do, so I was out of the door – well flap actually. I needed a job so I rang my old mate Ozzy and he suggested I come over for a gig in the good old U of K. So here I am. Ozzy said that he had checked with the chancellor and she was happy so I got the job.’

      ‘Err, I’m afraid that was me. Ozzy is an old friend of mine so I just agreed with him. I’m Anne Chancellor by the way Bruce.’

*

The telephone by James’ hand chirruped gently.

      ‘Hello James speaking, how may I help?’

      ‘Isn’t he a lovely speaker?’ said Bruce.

      ‘Err, this is Judy here on reception. I have an angry looking guy here called Marvin Carney who says he is the new govenor of the Bank of England. What shall I do?’

      ‘Tell him I’ll be down to meet him directly, Judy. Bruce, you need to leave, the real govenor is here.’

      ‘Okay, I guess I had best shoot through then. Nice to chat with you guys. “I shall return,” as Ghandi once said.’

          ‘When you said about Ozzy, I assumed you meant George Osborne, and it wasn’t Ghandi, it was Arni Schwartzengaga or General Douglas MacArthur,’ protested Colin.

      ‘Never heard of them, but you know what ‘assume’ does don’t you Colin? “Makes an Ass of U and Me.”’ I think Henry Kissinger said that first, or was it Maslow?

      I must get a shift on as I’ve got a gig at the Hackney Empire tonight and need to check if Ozzy has ordered enough lions. That’s the mane thing. “Mane”, “Lion” geddit? Haw, haw. Just remember you guys, “Omnia mutanur, nihil interit”  ("everything changes, nothing perishes"), Ovid wrote that in his Metamorphoses. Check it out if’n you don’t believe me.’

      Bruce marched off, stage left, right, left, right, out of the quantum meeting room, tucking the cat under his arm.