Annie's drunkard's walk.

Annie’s drunkard’s walk

Annie walked into the kitchen, put her shopping bag on he work top next to the ‘fridge and started sorting out the spoils from her shopping expedition. The frozen chicken went in the freezer, the yogurts and that nice piece of mature cheddar that had been on offer secured their place on the middle shelf of the ‘fridge and she used the bag of Tetley tea bags to top up the tin from a long forgotten PG tips promotion a few years before. She was quite fond of that tin.

      Annie was exhausted. It had taken her nearly three hours to get back from the corner shop, which was all of half a mile away in the village. The problem was getting worse and she was determined to have a long discussion with Jed about it this evening when he got back from the lab. In the meantime, she would have a little rest and enjoy a cup of Tetley. She liked her tea very hot. She thought it brought out more of the flavour.

‘What do you think is causing it Jed?’ she asked, after they had finished their meal. ‘I can’t go on like this. I seem to be walking miles just to travel a short distance. I can’t take the car as I often run out of diesel before I get to where I want to be.’ They were sat at the kitchen table sipping a cup of tea after their meal. Annie had used up some leftover mushrooms that were in the fridge and added some of the cheddar to make a tasty pasta bake. The cheese crusted nicely on the top, giving that rush of flavour as the teeth cut through it. They didn’t use the dining room much now that there was just the two of them at home. Annie had nearly finished her cup while Jed was still blowing on his as it was much too hot for him to drink.

      ‘How can you drink tea that hot? You must have a stainless steel stomach,’ he grumbled. It was an old complaint of his so Annie didn’t bother replying. ‘I think one clue is that the problem seems to get worse in the winter. Why don’t you go and see Doctor Adams at the surgery and see what he thinks. I’ll take some time off and come with you, I don’t want you walking down the lane in the dark. You might not find your way to the end of it.

‘South Green surgery, how can I help?’

It was 0801 the next morning, a Tuesday, and Annie was taking no chances, she wanted to be the first to jump through the necessary hoops to get to see her doctor.

      ‘I’d like an appointment as early as possible this morning to see Dr Adams please,’ said Annie in her best, positive, affirming voice.

      ‘Is he your doctor?’ asked the dragon gatekeeper.

      ‘No, he’s my lion tamer,’ Annie wanted to say but thought better of it. ‘Yes, for the last twenty three years,’ she meekly replied.

      ‘He has two slots available, one at eight thirty and the other at two this afternoon. Can you get here in time for the first one?’

      ‘Yes,’ replied a rapidly infantilising Annie as she was sucked into the system. ‘My husband will be bringing me.’

      ‘Ok, we’ll put you down for that one.’ The phone went dead with out as much as a ‘goodbye’ or a lick of flame from the dragon.

‘Mrs Brown to consulting room three please, Mrs Brown.’

A red, round face appeared around the door of the waiting room. ‘Come in Mrs Brown, I don’t like that that new loudspeaker system, do you? It seems just too formal to me, I still like to come out and welcome my patients personally. After all they must be ill to want to come and see me and the last thing they want is to be shouted at by some mechanical voice from the ceiling.’ He wittered on in his usual avuncular style. Was it any wonder that there was always a waiting list to see him while some of the other doctors in the practice sat twiddling their thumbs with no patients to see while tutting about their colleague’s inefficiency? The ten minute rule for the length of consultation meant nothing to him. He would take as long as necessary for each patient.

      ‘Good to see you again Mrs Jones. I see you've brought your husband with you this time. I hope that doesn’t mean that you have a big problem for us?’

      ‘Oh no doctor, it is just that Jed offered to drive me down to the surgery this morning, what with these dark mornings and me not being able to walk straight, he thought I might fall into the hedge or some such…’ The tears came, it was such a relief to be able to tell someone about it and she felt safe sharing it with Dr Adams; he would sort her out if anyone could.

      ‘Why not tell me about it and then we can decide what to do?’ suggested the good doctor.

      ‘Go on, dear, tell Dr Jones what has been happening,’ urged Jed as he squeezed her hand.

      ‘It’s like this doctor. I just can’t walk in a straight line. If I want to walk from A to B in a straight line, I end up going to G J L K, Z and D before I get to B so I usually end up walking about ten times further than I want to. I just can’t seem to be able to control where I am going. People who see me walking think I am drunk or on drugs.’

      ‘OK, I get the picture. Now let me ask you some questions to try to get to the cause of the problem.

      Have you had any problem sleeping recently?’

      ‘No.’

      ‘Have you been suffering from headaches?’

      ‘No.’

      ‘Do you try to avoid walking on the cracks in pavements?’

      ‘No!’

      ‘Have you felt any muscle weaknesses recently?’

      ‘No.’

      ‘I’ll obviously need to carry out a full physical exam and take some blood to get a few tests done but I have a few more questions that may help me.

      ‘Is this problem worse in the winter?’

      ‘Yes!’

      ‘Do you like to drink very hot tea and coffee?’

      ‘Yes!’

      ‘Very well, I think I have a fair idea of the problem from the answers you have given me so I suggest we sent Jed back to the waiting room while I carry out the exam and the practice nurse will come and take some blood from you. I’ll book a brain scan at the Egglington Royal Infirmary, just to be sure, and then I suggest you book an appointment with our drago… sorry, receptionist, on your way out to come back and see me in about three weeks time. In the meantime, I would like you to give up hot drinks completely. Substitute tea and coffee with water or wine or even gin and tonic. I am not certain but I think I have a fair idea what the problem is. I won’t be certain until we have tried all these actions.’

‘Good morning Doctor.’

      ‘Hallo Mrs Brown. How did you get here today, I notice your husband is not with you?’

      ‘I walked, on my own.’

      ‘And did you come straight here or did you go all around the houses like you have been doing?’

      ‘No, I came straight here with no problems. I haven’t had that problem for a couple of weeks now, it just gradually faded away.’

      ‘Good, that confirms the test results. The physical exam I carried out a few weeks ago was fine, your blood electrolytes are within the normal range and your MRI brain scan showed no abnormalities. So, Mrs Brown, you are completely healthy and if the symptoms have now vanished as you say, then I am even more confident in my diagnosis than I was before.’

      ‘So what was the problem Doctor?’

      ‘It is a little complicated but I will try and explain. There is a part of the brain, called the hydro cortex that is responsible for filtering out and correcting any conscious decisions that you take that may be harmful to you. So, for example, if you stood on the edge of a cliff and then decided to jump off, you would feel a strange sensation in your muscles that would prevent you jumping for a few seconds, a sort of temporary muscle paralysis. This would give you time to reconsider your decision. You will still be able to jump to your death if you sadly decided to do so but at least you would have had time to pause and reconsider. This hydro cortex, as its name suggest, is a fluid reservoir in the brain that works in a similar way to the semi circular, fluid-filled canals in the inner ear that tell the body which way up it is.

      It is normally at body temperature and it does not like being hotter or colder than normal. If its temperature drops, it stops allowing decisions through so it becomes very difficult to move at all, whereas if it becomes overheated, it starts generating spurious signals which are read as commands for the muscles to move in random directions. I suspect this is what has been happening in your case. We call this Brownian motion. The effect it causes of walking in random directions is known as ‘The Drunkard’s Walk’. It is named after a random generation of numbers in probability theory in physics.’

      ‘What do you think has been causing this Doctor?’

      ‘ I suspect it is an over consumption of cups of very hot tea during this long, cold winter. This is why I suggested you replaced the hot tea by cold drinks. How are you finding that?’

      ‘I don’t really miss the tea now I have got used to it Doctor and I quite enjoy a gin and tonic in the afternoon.’

      ‘I am glad that is resolved, Mrs Brown. I’d better get on and see to my next patient. I hope not to see you again soon.’

      ‘Me too Doctor. Thank you very much. I’ll just go and say goodbye to your drago…receptionist.’