I feel sad

I feel sad

I do not feel miserable, morose, melancholic, mournful or miserable.

I do not feel downhearted, depressed, despondent, downcast or doleful.

I do not feel unhappy, miserable, wretched, glum, gloomy, forelorn or heartbroken.

I feel sad.

that many are hungry in our world,

that there are too many people for our world

that soils and plants, insects and birds, seas and fish, and other animals, are dying for us

I feel sad

that education hasn’t yet rid us of the evil nonsense that is religion

that people die fighting, even with their imaginary friends in the sky on their side

that human intelligence hasn’t yet defeated superstition

I feel sad

that I did not educate myself earlier in life

that there are so many wonders that I do not have time to learn about

that I am not clever enough to understand the universe.

I feel sad

for the child born today that will die tomorrow

for the mother who watches her child die without food

for our greed in not sharing our plenty with those in need.

I feel sad

that women of the world do not control their lives

that women do not more run the world

that women do not have equality with men

I feel sad

that we still make war instead of talk

that we send our young people to kill and die

that they fight because our leaders always fail us

I feel sad

that clever people don’t know how to make things better

that we do not cherish our precious planet

that we will learn how, too late

I feel sad

that I am not leaving the world a better place

that I have been too selfish to help others

that I have not been what perhaps I could have been

I feel sad

that the world has not improved during my life time

that we are not better at cooperating

that the small gains I see are not enough

I feel sad

that the hope we saw in 1945 has been dimmed

that the ‘war to end all wars’ - didn’t

that we never learn from history

I feel hope

that education is improving

that religion and ignorance is retreating

that science is becoming better understood

I feel hope

that women of the world are demanding education

that all the male religions are in decline

that woment will refuse to give their children up to war

I feel hope

because the ‘starving millions’ are fewer each year

because there is food enough to feed us all, if we want it enough

because we are starting to share our riches

I feel hope

because my children are better educated than me

because my children have no time for religion

because my children are better people than me

I feel sad

for the past

I feel hope

for the future

Ghost word

Ghost word

You might laugh me out of the text but I think is is etymological discrimination. Just you check and see how many times little words like ‘the’ and ‘and’ get used compared to me. I understand the argument about conjunctions and articles being used a lot because they are essential to the smooth running of the prose but what about real meaning? Now there is something that is vital to any exposition, have you seen what Elmore Leonard used to do to his novels? I never rated them myself and I think some of the readers who raved about them could be described as me; I mean, he never really even describes his characters properly and leaves out the bits that readers would skip anyway. That’s no good, novels are supposed to be hard work aren’t they?

      I think my basic problem is that I was born as an adjective. Now, what is the essence of adjective. What is its function?  The humans always boast ‘I think therefore I am’. The most an adjective can say is that ‘I describe therefore I am’. This means that my existence depends on someone using me to describe something or someone else. I have no independent existence, I always have to depend on a noun being available that I can apply myself to.

      Don’t get me started on nouns. Do you know how arrogant they are? ‘I am therefore I am’, they always say, relishing their independent existence. And as for gerunds, they are even worse, seeing themselves as upmarket nouns, ‘we can do the job of both nouns and verbs,’ they boast, ‘I am and do therefore I am.’ Snobs, all of them.

      Yes, I'm afraid I suffer from the adjective’s perennial problem, low esteem. I have been been to see my Thesaurus, Dr Roget,  but she wasn't much help. ‘You should just accept your place in the lexicon and be happy with that,’ she said. ‘you have had a good life, I know you were in the Army, the Paras wasn’t it? That gave a you a chance to travel and I believe Jonathan Swift wrote all about your adventures around the world.’

      ‘Yes, but even he spelt my name wrong. You’d think a man of the church would go to the trouble of getting that right wouldn't you? I think the main cause of my problem is that I am still the only word that has been left out of an edition of the OED by mistake. They made sure I was back in the next edition but how do you think that makes me feel? What do you think I should do?

      ‘ My suggestion is this. Accept your place in the order of things and your characteristics that you cannot change. You will always be an adjective for example and there is nothing wrong with that. Where would we be without the valuable work that you and your colleagues do? The world would be a very simple and plain place. I suggest that you go back to your home in the OED and make friends with your neighbours. The one before you, ‘the passage by which food passes from the mouth to the stomach,’ sounds like he may have some interesting stories and the one after you,’a ravine or channel formed by running water’ may have some stories of far-off places that you both have visited?’

      ‘OK, I'll try that. Thank you doctor.’

      ‘No problem, always glad to help. If you have any more problems, you can always come and look me up. I'll be quite happy to patronise you for as long as you wish for a lot of money per hour.'

I walked out through the waiting room and saw an old friend of mine sitting in the corner.

      ‘What are you doing here?’ I asked

      ‘I've been coming here for some time, to see Dr Roget, she is treating me for my problem.’

      ‘What problem is that?’ I asked, a little indelicately.

      ‘I get frighted by old fashioned cookers in big, open plan kitchens, ‘ he said, ‘ the doctor thinks I am suffering from agarophobia.’

      ‘Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. I had better let you get on with your therapy then, I can see you have a lot on your plates.’

      ‘Yes, I'm cooking dinner tonight.’

He knocked on the door and walked in the doctor’s treatment room. I didn't believe a word of it. Who did he think I was? I’m not a backward Evian. I've been around a bit.

      I did as Dr Roget suggested and made my home in the ‘G’ section of the OED. I was getting well settled in when, one day, there was a lot of noise from just overleaf, on the next page. I looked it up and found it was gunfire, ‘the repeated firing of a gun or guns’ so I looked across to the opposite page and talked to my guardian, ‘a person who defends and protects something’. Yes, I know he is one of those nouns but he agreed to look after me. I think he was feeling quite proud to be asked, even if it was only by a lowly adjective. He was really a guerrilla guardian from Guatemala who was quite fond of alliteration so we bonded well as we went fishing for gudgeon together.

      That’s what he told me and I,of course, believed him. That is what I do.

Annie's drunkard's walk.

Annie’s drunkard’s walk

Annie walked into the kitchen, put her shopping bag on he work top next to the ‘fridge and started sorting out the spoils from her shopping expedition. The frozen chicken went in the freezer, the yogurts and that nice piece of mature cheddar that had been on offer secured their place on the middle shelf of the ‘fridge and she used the bag of Tetley tea bags to top up the tin from a long forgotten PG tips promotion a few years before. She was quite fond of that tin.

      Annie was exhausted. It had taken her nearly three hours to get back from the corner shop, which was all of half a mile away in the village. The problem was getting worse and she was determined to have a long discussion with Jed about it this evening when he got back from the lab. In the meantime, she would have a little rest and enjoy a cup of Tetley. She liked her tea very hot. She thought it brought out more of the flavour.

‘What do you think is causing it Jed?’ she asked, after they had finished their meal. ‘I can’t go on like this. I seem to be walking miles just to travel a short distance. I can’t take the car as I often run out of diesel before I get to where I want to be.’ They were sat at the kitchen table sipping a cup of tea after their meal. Annie had used up some leftover mushrooms that were in the fridge and added some of the cheddar to make a tasty pasta bake. The cheese crusted nicely on the top, giving that rush of flavour as the teeth cut through it. They didn’t use the dining room much now that there was just the two of them at home. Annie had nearly finished her cup while Jed was still blowing on his as it was much too hot for him to drink.

      ‘How can you drink tea that hot? You must have a stainless steel stomach,’ he grumbled. It was an old complaint of his so Annie didn’t bother replying. ‘I think one clue is that the problem seems to get worse in the winter. Why don’t you go and see Doctor Adams at the surgery and see what he thinks. I’ll take some time off and come with you, I don’t want you walking down the lane in the dark. You might not find your way to the end of it.

‘South Green surgery, how can I help?’

It was 0801 the next morning, a Tuesday, and Annie was taking no chances, she wanted to be the first to jump through the necessary hoops to get to see her doctor.

      ‘I’d like an appointment as early as possible this morning to see Dr Adams please,’ said Annie in her best, positive, affirming voice.

      ‘Is he your doctor?’ asked the dragon gatekeeper.

      ‘No, he’s my lion tamer,’ Annie wanted to say but thought better of it. ‘Yes, for the last twenty three years,’ she meekly replied.

      ‘He has two slots available, one at eight thirty and the other at two this afternoon. Can you get here in time for the first one?’

      ‘Yes,’ replied a rapidly infantilising Annie as she was sucked into the system. ‘My husband will be bringing me.’

      ‘Ok, we’ll put you down for that one.’ The phone went dead with out as much as a ‘goodbye’ or a lick of flame from the dragon.

‘Mrs Brown to consulting room three please, Mrs Brown.’

A red, round face appeared around the door of the waiting room. ‘Come in Mrs Brown, I don’t like that that new loudspeaker system, do you? It seems just too formal to me, I still like to come out and welcome my patients personally. After all they must be ill to want to come and see me and the last thing they want is to be shouted at by some mechanical voice from the ceiling.’ He wittered on in his usual avuncular style. Was it any wonder that there was always a waiting list to see him while some of the other doctors in the practice sat twiddling their thumbs with no patients to see while tutting about their colleague’s inefficiency? The ten minute rule for the length of consultation meant nothing to him. He would take as long as necessary for each patient.

      ‘Good to see you again Mrs Jones. I see you've brought your husband with you this time. I hope that doesn’t mean that you have a big problem for us?’

      ‘Oh no doctor, it is just that Jed offered to drive me down to the surgery this morning, what with these dark mornings and me not being able to walk straight, he thought I might fall into the hedge or some such…’ The tears came, it was such a relief to be able to tell someone about it and she felt safe sharing it with Dr Adams; he would sort her out if anyone could.

      ‘Why not tell me about it and then we can decide what to do?’ suggested the good doctor.

      ‘Go on, dear, tell Dr Jones what has been happening,’ urged Jed as he squeezed her hand.

      ‘It’s like this doctor. I just can’t walk in a straight line. If I want to walk from A to B in a straight line, I end up going to G J L K, Z and D before I get to B so I usually end up walking about ten times further than I want to. I just can’t seem to be able to control where I am going. People who see me walking think I am drunk or on drugs.’

      ‘OK, I get the picture. Now let me ask you some questions to try to get to the cause of the problem.

      Have you had any problem sleeping recently?’

      ‘No.’

      ‘Have you been suffering from headaches?’

      ‘No.’

      ‘Do you try to avoid walking on the cracks in pavements?’

      ‘No!’

      ‘Have you felt any muscle weaknesses recently?’

      ‘No.’

      ‘I’ll obviously need to carry out a full physical exam and take some blood to get a few tests done but I have a few more questions that may help me.

      ‘Is this problem worse in the winter?’

      ‘Yes!’

      ‘Do you like to drink very hot tea and coffee?’

      ‘Yes!’

      ‘Very well, I think I have a fair idea of the problem from the answers you have given me so I suggest we sent Jed back to the waiting room while I carry out the exam and the practice nurse will come and take some blood from you. I’ll book a brain scan at the Egglington Royal Infirmary, just to be sure, and then I suggest you book an appointment with our drago… sorry, receptionist, on your way out to come back and see me in about three weeks time. In the meantime, I would like you to give up hot drinks completely. Substitute tea and coffee with water or wine or even gin and tonic. I am not certain but I think I have a fair idea what the problem is. I won’t be certain until we have tried all these actions.’

‘Good morning Doctor.’

      ‘Hallo Mrs Brown. How did you get here today, I notice your husband is not with you?’

      ‘I walked, on my own.’

      ‘And did you come straight here or did you go all around the houses like you have been doing?’

      ‘No, I came straight here with no problems. I haven’t had that problem for a couple of weeks now, it just gradually faded away.’

      ‘Good, that confirms the test results. The physical exam I carried out a few weeks ago was fine, your blood electrolytes are within the normal range and your MRI brain scan showed no abnormalities. So, Mrs Brown, you are completely healthy and if the symptoms have now vanished as you say, then I am even more confident in my diagnosis than I was before.’

      ‘So what was the problem Doctor?’

      ‘It is a little complicated but I will try and explain. There is a part of the brain, called the hydro cortex that is responsible for filtering out and correcting any conscious decisions that you take that may be harmful to you. So, for example, if you stood on the edge of a cliff and then decided to jump off, you would feel a strange sensation in your muscles that would prevent you jumping for a few seconds, a sort of temporary muscle paralysis. This would give you time to reconsider your decision. You will still be able to jump to your death if you sadly decided to do so but at least you would have had time to pause and reconsider. This hydro cortex, as its name suggest, is a fluid reservoir in the brain that works in a similar way to the semi circular, fluid-filled canals in the inner ear that tell the body which way up it is.

      It is normally at body temperature and it does not like being hotter or colder than normal. If its temperature drops, it stops allowing decisions through so it becomes very difficult to move at all, whereas if it becomes overheated, it starts generating spurious signals which are read as commands for the muscles to move in random directions. I suspect this is what has been happening in your case. We call this Brownian motion. The effect it causes of walking in random directions is known as ‘The Drunkard’s Walk’. It is named after a random generation of numbers in probability theory in physics.’

      ‘What do you think has been causing this Doctor?’

      ‘ I suspect it is an over consumption of cups of very hot tea during this long, cold winter. This is why I suggested you replaced the hot tea by cold drinks. How are you finding that?’

      ‘I don’t really miss the tea now I have got used to it Doctor and I quite enjoy a gin and tonic in the afternoon.’

      ‘I am glad that is resolved, Mrs Brown. I’d better get on and see to my next patient. I hope not to see you again soon.’

      ‘Me too Doctor. Thank you very much. I’ll just go and say goodbye to your drago…receptionist.’

Fracking

Fracking

The early morning sun flooded into he BBC helicopter’s cabin as it rose above the stubble of the recently harvested wheat field. James Naughty rubbed his hands together to get the feeling back. He was used to early starts but it had been cold waiting in the field, in the shadow of the South Downs, impatiently waiting for the pilot to complete his pre flight checks.

      ‘5 minutes to air,’ came the producer’s voice through his head phones.

He cleared his throat and checked through his script once again. Looking down through the windscreen, he could see wisps of smoke curling up through the still air as a few of the campers started preparing for their day protesting against what most of them didn't understand but, ‘Hey, man a good few days out in the country anyway?’

      Jim listened to the weather forecast – a fine late August day – and then the pips followed by the voice of his colleague.

      ‘Good morning. This is BBC Radio 4 with the Twoday Program. John Humfries here in the studio and James Naughty in Sussex, reporting from the fracking protest in Balcombe in deepest Sussex. Here are the news headlines…

*

      ‘…Now over to James Naughty in Sussex.’

      ‘Thank you John. I am flying above the fracking protest camp on the ouskirts of the pretty little village of Balcombe which lies folded into the Northern slopes of the South Downs, here in Sussex. It is a beautiful late summer morning. The sun is slowly heaving itself above the South Downs to shed its light on this beautiful area of the country; just as we will today try to shed some light on the fractious debate that is taking place below us as many protesters try to make their voice heard against the voices of government and big business. For the moment I will return you to the studio but we will come back to Balcombe later to talk to some of the people involved and try to understand why such strongly held opinions are held on both sides of the fracking debate.’

      ‘Thank you Jim. Now we turn to a subject that has been of great interest to everyone over the last seven weeks…’

*

‘Now we return to Balcombe and a report from Jame Naughty on today’s situation on the fracking protests. Over to you Jim.’

      ‘Thank you John. Err, you join me here near the beautiful, normally peaceful, little Sussex village of Balcombe. I say normally peaceful because the villagers are now out numbered by perhaps ten to one by people from all over the country and some from abroad, who have descended on this quiet corner of rural England to make their opposition known to any drilling being carried out here for oil or gas and, in particular, the use of the controversial fracking technique. This, as many of you may know, consists of steering a drill horizontally into layers of shale strata that lie at great depth and then shattering the rock by the injection of water, under very high pressure, that contains various chemicals. This allows the gas trapped within the shale to be released and taken to the surface.

      ‘I have with me Mr Ernest Newton who is the Chief Executive of the drilling company Tridrilla. Can I ask you. Mr Newton, why you think you have the right to despoil such a beautiful part of the country with your drilling rigs and potentially cause earthquakes and pollute the drinking water with this unproven technology?’

      ‘I’ll answer your question one point at a time if I may. Firstly we are doing nothing illegal and it is government policy to develop our indigent gas resources to replace our imports from unstable regions of the world.’

      ‘But…/

      ‘Please don’t interrupt, you asked me a question and so I would like the opportunity to answer it.’

      ‘Err, OK then.’

      ‘Secondly. Our plans have been agreed by the democratically elected representatives of the local community. We have clearly explained to them what we plan to do and they are happy with it.’

      ‘Thirdly, we have no intention of fracking from this site unless we find we need to at a later date and that will require further discussion and permission from the local planning authority.’

      ‘Err, but…/

      ‘If I may finish answering your question?’

      ‘Well, we don’t have much time and I would like to bring in someone else.’

      ‘Perhaps you should have asked a shorter and less slanted question then.’

      ‘Well…/

      ‘As for despoiling the beautiful countryside in this area. Have you seen the oil field at Wytch Farm which has been producing oil for some fifty years and are you aware that the biggest gypsum mine in the country is under this area?’

      ‘Well err, no.’

      ‘Exactly! That is because both of these major installations can hardly be seen and so are not despoiling the countryside as you put it. Now for your final point.’

      ‘We really must err…/

      ‘As for fracking being unproven technology, are you aware that over 10,000 wells have been drilled using this technology? Also the scare stories about flames coming out of water pipes we started back in the 1920s before shale gas or fracking had been heard of. They have all been shown to have been caused by domestic wells being drilled into shallow methane reservoirs. I would suggest Mt Naughty that you have been badly briefed and are talking from a point of view of ignorance.’

      ‘That may be true Mt Newton, I don’t pretend to be an engineer. I’d now like to bring in a protester who is against the drilling in this area, fracking and the use of fossil fuels in general. Your name is?’

      ‘I’m not giving me name or the law will be after me to stop me dole.’

      ‘OK then Mr X. I believe you are protesting against fuel poverty and the use of any fossil fuels?’

      ‘Yes, that’s right. We think it is outrageous that poor people and pensioners in particular are having to pay fuel bills that rise every year.’

      ‘So what fuel do you propose we use to keep these poor pensioners warm?’

      ‘It is essential that we move over to the wholesale use of green energy to stop pumping filthy greenhouse gases into the atmosphere.’

      ‘By green energy, you mean wind, solar, tidal etc.?’

      ‘Yeah. ‘course.’

      ‘You do realise that the use of these technologies requires increasing subsidies as the cost of energy produced in this way is more expensive than burning fossil fuels?’

      ‘Yes, but it is worth it to get clean energy.’

      ‘So where do you propose this money comes from?’

      ‘The government should pay of course.’

      ‘So this means putting up taxes or increasing the price of energy?’

      ‘Well, yes, I suppose so.’

      ‘So the poor pensioners that you worry about will have to pay higher energy bills or extra taxes. How is that helping them out of fuel poverty? Wouldn't it be better if they could use the cheaper gas that Mr Newton here says he can supply. Gas that, by the way, produces half the CO2 of burning coal as we do at the moment?’

      ‘Well err, I dunno about all that stuff.’

      ‘Can I ask if you are paying taxes at the moment Mr X to help support these poor pensioners you are so worried about?’

      ‘Well I would if I could get a job wouldn't I.’

      ‘I did hear that you left a very well paid job recently because, like Mr Durken, ‘you were sick and tired of workin’ and decided to have a summer on the dole, joining the protest circuit around the country.’

      ‘Well that is a little unfair…

      ‘But basically true?’

      ‘Well, yeah, I suppose so’

*

‘It is still early morning in this sleepy corner of Sussex and very few protesters have yet shown themselves. I can see one person walking slowly down the lane here towards the drilling compound using a walking stick. It appears to be an old lady with a placard. I'll go and have a chat to her.’

      ‘Good morning Madam, James Naughty from the BBC Twoday programme. Could I have a word with you please?’

      ‘Yes, young man, how can I help you?’

      ‘I’m just wondering what you plan to do here today and I am very interested in what your placard says.’

      ‘I am here today to stand up for free speech and democracy. The local people have decided, via their council, that drilling can go ahead here. It is within the law and it is also government policy to look for new sources of oil and gas in this country. I have lived in Balcombe for thirty seven years and I fully support the right of Tridrilla to continue with their operations without interruption from protesters, some of whom who have probably travelled many miles to cause trouble here.’

      ‘That is all very well but, if you don’t mind my saying so, you are probably not aware of the technical and geochemical issues involved here?’

      ‘You’re probably right and I am sure that applies to most of the protesters here and, if you don’t mind my saying so, young man, it probably applies to most of the people employed by the BBC.

      ‘Touché, Madam, but in all seriousness, what is your knowledge in this area?’

      ‘I am professor emeritis of the Earth Science department of Brighton University. I have specialised in the study of oil shales across the world. I worked in the USA as a consultant reservoir engineer at the start of fracking there. And what about you, young man, do you have any knowledge in this area?’

      ‘Err, not really and I apologise for doubting your credentials. What do you plan to do here today?’

      ‘I plan to peacefully demonstrate my support for the drilling operation here by holding up my placard in front of the drilling compound gates for one hour. Then I shall return home for a nice cup of tea.

      ‘What does your placard say?’

      ‘As you can see, it says; ‘Keep Calm and Frack On.’

      ‘Thank you Madam. Good luck with your protest. Now back to you, John, in the studio.’

      ‘Thank you young man. I think you met your match there.’