Yesterday

The cave was warm and dry, but outside was different. The rain came down in gert big lumps and thunder echoed around the mountains. As the storm grew closer, lightning became more frequent and zagged to the earth, striking several trees on its way. Some of the trees succumbed to the onslaught and breathed their last as they crashed down onto the floor of the forest and lay there, gently barking. They wondered what they had done to deserve such destruction, not realising that causality was not an issue. The thunder faded as the storm moved away and night descended, dark and calm.

The morning dawned bright and freshly washed. A pale, liquid sun burnt off the mists generated from the saturated ground, now clinging to the trees spared by the storm that was a poorly-remembered nightmare.

Ugg stretched in the morning dampness to get the knots out of his ancient joints, he was seventeen, and looked over at his elder brother Ogg, who had not yet stirred. Ugg and Ogg were twins. This was an unusual event when most births resulted in a death before two years were over and twins were considered to be bad luck because there were usually two deaths close together. They had survived the births, a few minutes apart, the usual childhood diseases and accidents, grown up together and were now approaching old age. Their mother had died, reaching the old age of thirty two. Their father was thirty five and clearly had little more time left. He was the chief of the tribe so Ugg and Ogg had come to the high mountain to find slabs of rock that would be used to build his cist tomb where he would be buried with what the archaeologists far in the future would call grave goods - his favourite club, some food to sustain him in the afterlife and his collection of precious bowls.

Many trees had fallen into the combe that they had planned to use as an easy route back to the village so their choices were to heave the slabs over the tree trunks or move all  the trees. They decided to try to lift the first slab over a tree to see if it was possible. It was a struggle to get it up on the tree but then it stared to roll, taking the slab with it. When all the motion stopped they saw that the rock slab had moved twice as far as the tree – with little effort. They decide to try it again with the next tree. It worked again except that, this time it stopped because one of the tree branches stuck in the ground.

The two brothers looked at each other with a growing understanding. Without talking, they each started hacking the branches off the next tree down the combe with their flint axes They then pulled the slab onto it and rolled it down to the next tree. They repeated this until they got down to the grazing grassland near the village. They then got the idea of putting the tree trunk that they had left behind in front of the one they were using so that the slab just carried in rolling. They rushed into the village and grabbed a couple of young boys to help them. They soon had the five slabs for the cist down to the village from the mountain high above.

They explained all of this and how they had done it to the village elders who grumbled and said that no good would come of this new technology and, anyway, it would never catch on – they hadn’t thought of it. The young ones were enthusiastic, however, and insisted that Ugg and Ogg show them how it was done.

Mugg watched all this while he thought about the possibilities and how this technology could be developed.  Why did you need a complete tree trunk, he mused, why not cut the tree into a roller that was only as long as the slab was wide so it would be easier to navigate down the combe.

  Why not use several rollers to avoid having to keep stopping because you had run out of tree and why not… Mugg had just invented the first thought experiment.

The problem with this, of course, was that there was no way of steering and the rollers often jammed on small rocks in the way. They found that fat trees worked better than thin ones so they cut down the biggest tree near the village. They then cut discs from it which they fixed to each end of the roller. Mogg suggested that they cut holes in the discs and fitted them over the roller ends. This allowed them to fix the rollers lengthways. as an axle. They had built a cart!

The older generation watched, bemused. They kept a wary eye on the sky in case this wasn’t allowed and they would be smitten by the gods. No smiting happened but less people were needed to do more work so more crops were grown and the village flourished. Ugg and Ogg’s father lived to the magnificent age of thirty seven and was duly buried in the stone cist. His was the first funeral ceremony in the history of the Earth where the body was taken to the grave on a cart.

Mogg and Mugg now had some spare time so they concentrated on developing this new technology. They found that smearing pig fat around the centre of the discs reduced the wear on the rollers so both the discs and rollers lasted longer - and the cart was easier to pull They then tried tying a bullock to the front of the cart to pull it along. Mogg and Mugg were the first technicians and showed that greater productivity in the fields freed up others to become specialists and showed the way forward for the human race. It was a long time before they had the idea of allowing the front discs to go in different directions to the rear ones and so make a fully steerable cart.

The old ones, those over about twenty, couldn’t adapt to these new ideas so they carried on working in the old way. Their day passed and the new technology was developed through the generations at an increasing rate as the young ones accepted the new technology as normal and the older generations died. This rate eventually reached exponential. After this, there was no stopping the progress of the human race.

This is the way of the world as the moving finger of time moves on.

Custard Creams - an appreciation

You only have to mention ‘Custard Creams’ to an English Person and the immediate thought is, ‘my favourite biscuits.’ There is no need to specify ‘biscuits’ as the connection is obvious. They are the Nation’s favourite biscuit, or the ninth, depending on which survey you trust - if any.
Why is this? Is it the taste of the biscuit, the cream filling or the look with its plagiarism of a sandwich adorned on each surface with the victorian idea of fern leaves, or is it something deeper in the psyche with the harking back to childhood and comfort foods?
When your spiritual guide is visiting for tea in the afternoon, she may refuse your offer of, ‘more tea vicar?’ but she will always accept, ‘perhaps just one more biscuit?’ if, of course, you have served Custard Creams.
Custard creams are neither luxury and guilt inducing, like Belgian chocolates, nor cheap and cheerful as is Tesco ready-made, gritty, spag boll and the like. No, they are carefully sited in between, luxuriant without being indulgent. Able to be eaten at any time of day and not limited to the singular. A complete cellophane wrapped number has been known to disappear in one sitting without residual guilt, just a few crumbs remaining around the mouth as evidence.
People eat them in different ways, of course. They are excellent indication of inner underlying character. Who has not seen the CCG ( Custard Cream Gulper ) who will insert a complete biscuit in the mouth without caring to partake of a small, savouring bite first? This is only acceptable in polite company, of course, when there is an absolute ban on any crumb residue to evidence the activity.
Signs of the inner child may be seen when an acquaintance breaks the seal between the biscuit layers, having taken a small, silent, internal wager on which semi biscuit the cream will adhere. If this is on the upper, then a swift dextrous turn will result in the cream filling being displayed, ready for the 360 degree nibble to remove the excess that has been squeezed from its original deposited position. This is followed by first the non creamed side, then the long awaited creamed side. This method, of course, demonstrates the delayed gratification so beloved of psychologists as the ratio of cream to biscuit is twice that of the complete artifact. Danger lies with this method, however. As with most childhood eating methods, it is difficult to carry out the complete procedure without leaving some crumby trace behind and some creamy trace around the lips.
Occasionally you may see an eater of a custard cream insert it in the mouth sideways, that is with a long side leading. Someone who does this is evidentially untrustworthy and should not be left alone with the silver tea spoons.
The correct eatiquette is as follows:
Take an offered biscuit gently from the plate. Raise it to eye level and check for
damage. Reject any biscuit that is not perfect - is the fern display smudged? Are the two halves firmly adhering to the cream filling? Is the cream filling central, smoothly deposited and of an even thickness?
Turn the biscuit so that a short side is facing the mouth. Insert the biscuit and bite off precisely one third of the length. This may be difficult for you to judge at first but DO NOT WORRY, your judgement will improve with daily practice.
While you enjoy the first third of the biscuit, remove the remainder from your mouth and carefully rotate it ninety degrees in the horizontal plane.

Now your judgement is again required as you carefully bite off exactly half of the remaining two thirds of the biscuit.
When you have fully consumed this, the remaining third can be carefully masticated.
You have now proudly completed the third/third/third procedure and can regard yourself as a fastidious and precisely controlled person. Extensive successful eateration of this procedure will entitle you to the award of the Golden Biscuit. This may only be worn at white tie receptions or with full dress uniform.
How to deal with crumbs.
This is a question that the keepers of THE RECIPE are often asked.
There are several ways but I will only concern myself with the best known and most often seen methods.
1 - The Undercup.
This involves having two hands free for the eating of the Custard Cream.
One hand manipulates the biscuit, depending on the method chosen - see above. The other hand is cupped below the mouth and pressed firmly against the chin so as to allow no crumb leakage between the edge of the hand and the chin. This hand then collects all crumbs that may drop from the biscuit eating and manipulation operations that will be going on above. After the completion of the biting operations it is safe to remove the hand, while ensuring that all crumbs remain in the cupped hand. Once chewing and swallowing is complete then the cupped hand may be held up to the mouth and the crumbs tipped into the open mouth whence the biscuit aftertaste may be savoured - much in the same way as a fine wine. This operation should not be hurried.
2 - The Tilt.
This method should only be used in public after much private practice as an
apprentice practitioner may find herself falling over backwards like a penguin watching a helicopter passing overhead in the Falkland Islands.
It consists of carrying out any of the procedures mentioned above while tipping the head back as far as possible. The mouth is open during all biting operations and so gravity will ensure that all crumbs descend into the mouth.
A major disadvantage of the crumb collection method is that the aftertaste lingerance is much shorter than method “1 above.
Here I must append a short note on the increasing fashion of dipping the biscuit in tea before eating. Adherents of this method will attempt to justify themselves by saying that the biscuit tastes better and there are no crumbs. The first justification is self evidently incorrect as the taste of a Custard Cream has been perfected for some years. The riposte to the second is that while there may be no dry crumbs, there may well be the descent of a soggy blob of biscuit material on to ones clothing. Please do not try this disgusting habit of ‘dunking’ as I believe it is called.
3 - The Gulp.
I have mentioned this method before. It is normally only used in polite

company when a few crumbs on the carpet would be a major indiscretion. The easy way to avoid this conundrum is to refuse the offer of a Custard Cream but, however, for some reason this very seldom happens and so the perpetrator is forced down the route of the gulp. You may think that the ‘Undercup’ or ‘Tilt’ methods of crumb control could be used but these are not completely foolproof. I think you can see that this unapproved method is only used by weak vessels who cannot resist the lure of a Custard Cream - even when contra-indicated.

WARNING
It has recently come to the notice of the keepers of THE RECIPE that some audacious people have embarked on the manufacture of a spread that purports to mimic the taste of Custard Creams. This is not authorised by the keepers of THE RECIPE and so cannot hope to replicate the unique sublime taste of the cream filling we all know so well. Please be aware that it may well contain trans fats and other ingredients that may have deleterious, not to say, egregious, effects on the human body. We just hope that these effects do not approach the existential.
This appreciation was prepared with support from the keepers of THE RECIPE.